Reciprocity

I suppose that I’ll start this post with an update on the state of the blog.  I’m obviously not updating on a regular basis anymore and I do not necessarily expect that to change.  Over 500 posts in, I am out of new ground to cover.  I cannot think of any relevant topics that I have not touched upon.  A belief that I hold dear is that one should not speak unless they have something witty, informative, or entertaining to say, and I know that as of late, I have not had any thoughts to share that do any of those three things.  I have not decided whether this blog will continue on and serve as a historical record with limited updates.  I have not decided that it won’t.  Time will tell.

I’ve moved to a new town and face old challenges.  My greatest suffering comes from my staunch belief that masking is anathema.  I want to live a genuine life on my terms.  Masking is presenting someone that I am not.  Masking requires that I reject what makes me, me.  In some areas, this works fine for me.  The cold professional that achieves results by any means necessary?  Appreciated.  The stoic individual that usually cannot be worked up over the distress that others feel?  Acceptable.  The cold heart that cannot touch another individual because she cannot care if she cared?  Not so good.

My achilles’ heel is that I am a social individual.  Note, ‘social’ denotes a wish for social interaction, but not necessarily in a ‘prosocial’ manner.  The social contract requires that individuals that wish to be cared about must first care about others.  This is where I falter.  New town, old challenges.  There are many thousands of lives around me that I will never care about, even if they dropped in my lap and did care if I care.  Since I refuse to mask and refuse to show an intimate care for anyone around me, no one will ever extend me the same.  I’m not bitter toward anyone regarding this realization.  I cannot change reality and this realization is not a new one.  Reciprocity defines the social contract and reciprocity is beyond my grasp.  Therefore, I will soldier on alone until I am bones and dust.

...And the Castle Crumbled
Speaking Falsely

Comments

  1. henry says

    You must fake it till you make it. I am sorry but there is just no way around tha one. You can not use your condition to avoid life.
    This is why a psychopath has to wear a mask.
    I will, however, offer you a token of info. I had similar problems growing up. I had to learn to restrain sadistic urges and anger because when I got angry, I went batshit crazy. Not easy at all. I grew around a lot of people. I had no choice. I grew to like people, hang around and listen and make small talk, help out a little, and that is actually good enough. Restrain your desire to be cruel with reality.
    I think I know what the difference is between a NT and an Emopath(probably what you should call these people). Its not that they dont have emotions. Its that they are aware of your emotions as separate from others. Other people are not able to do that.
    This is why they are able to manipulate, and see through trickery and all these other things most seem unable to do.
    In short, you are not even abnormal. You are different and misunderstood.
    There is no conscience involved either. Conscience is an emotional construct to process social functions. If you know where your emotions end and those of others start, its unlikely you will have a conscience.
    Normal people have a place built in life with other people. You must make your own place in life. You habe to build a normal life just like everyone else. And hopefully, I have given you information you will find useful.
    The worst thing a man or a woman can do is allow a label to defeat him and, as the kind of person you are, it is disheartening that you have actually dared to give up your abundantly available and fanatical desire to succed at all costs in your life

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