I’m struggling with my (certain) upcoming move. I want to know that the location that I have chosen is optimal for logical reasons and not for any others. My highly mathematical (and logical) mind has a problem with ambiguity. I often get lost in the proof that gets me from point A to point B rather than the perceived benefits of my future arrival at point B. Combine that with the fact that external and internal forces are trying to mold me into a certain narrative and it becomes nothing short of a clusterfuck. I think this is a problem that many with ASPD and/or psychopathy – should they be aware of such confirmations or diagnoses. We are expected to fit into a one size fits all box. We are expected by others, and ourselves, to be uncaring and logical monsters. All too often, life does not work that way, however.
I’ve seen this time and time again with my own behavior and vis-a-vis the behavior of those that contact me. The second one becomes aware of their antisocial ways, they feel obligated to “honor” them by adopting behaviors that they believe better fit the diagnosis rather than having the diagnosis better fit the person. That is, if there is a contradiction between perception and reality where a given behavior need not be classic ASPD, the individual will seek to gravitate toward the interpretation that honors the diagnosis rather than the intricate nuances of self.
This is the dilemma I am facing with my upcoming move. There are intangibles that are driving me to one location over many others. And, since these are intangibles, they seem at odds with my logical, antisocial mind. I want desperately due to external and internal forces to believe that any action of mine is grounded in reason. Sometimes, things aren’t that clear cut. My brain is in the vice until I learn to simply embrace myself rather than some label.