Head Crusher

I’m struggling with my (certain) upcoming move.  I want to know that the location that I have chosen is optimal for logical reasons and not for any others.  My highly mathematical (and logical) mind has a problem with ambiguity.  I often get lost in the proof that gets me from point A to point B rather than the perceived benefits of my future arrival at point B.  Combine that with the fact that external and internal forces are trying to mold me into a certain narrative and it becomes nothing short of a clusterfuck.  I think this is a problem that many with ASPD and/or psychopathy – should they be aware of such confirmations or diagnoses.  We are expected to fit into a one size fits all box.  We are expected by others, and ourselves, to be uncaring and logical monsters.  All too often, life does not work that way, however.

I’ve seen this time and time again with my own behavior and vis-a-vis the behavior of those that contact me.  The second one becomes aware of their antisocial ways, they feel obligated to “honor” them by adopting behaviors that they believe better fit the diagnosis rather than having the diagnosis better fit the person.  That is, if there is a contradiction between perception and reality where a given behavior need not be classic ASPD, the individual will seek to gravitate toward the interpretation that honors the diagnosis rather than the intricate nuances of self.

This is the dilemma I am facing with my upcoming move.  There are intangibles that are driving me to one location over many others.  And, since these are intangibles, they seem at odds with my logical, antisocial mind.  I want desperately due to external and internal forces to believe that any action of mine is grounded in reason.  Sometimes, things aren’t that clear cut.  My brain is in the vice until I learn to simply embrace myself rather than some label.

Giving Everything but Your Heart
Psychopathic Self-Destruction - Our Eyes and the Beaks of Crows

Comments

  1. FNP says

    It further doesn’t help when those who claim to advocate for you also try to put you into a one-size-fits-all box. Most of us are not like you Jess, but those who advocate for all of us try to lump us into your box.

      • FNP says

        I wasn’t referring to you as the one pretending to advocate for all of us. That was much more a thing directed towards people like glampersand that think we’re all like you.

  2. Scarlet Rose says

    Consider this – the other part of being aspd is a certain lack of regard for justification. Not quite impulsivity but akin to it. For a long time I tried to be a perfect machine and while it’s definitely still part of my personality I’ve been learning (thanks to someone in my life) to indulge in whimsy.

    Do things because they’re intuitive, they flow from your nature.

    I feel like much more than for empaths our instincts, once properly cultivated, can be an enormous resource. I don’t have to sit and think logically about the power dynamics of a group, I feel them and am thus free to manipulate at my choosing. I don’t think logically about my power over others, I just engage in sadism against those who I know can’t hurt me.

    It’s like being trans – at first I’m sure you over-thought it to death, but after a while you stopped and just acted. It became intuitive for you. At least that’s how it went for me.

    • Aurienne says

      I concur with Scarlet Rose – but also I would add that since you feel so little, why be reluctant to obey your instinct regarding this if it has managed to break through? Even if you are inclined to disregard your lower brain in some respects, think of it as a creature that must be appeased. Such as an annoying partner you cannot leave for overriding reasons, at worst – until you manage to integrate.

      • Bob says

        I agree with the two posts above. Personally I usually don’t have a very strong emotional intuition and I tend to require of myself a very strong logical explanation for my choices. This is something I have been thinking about lately and my conclusion was that it is beneficial to me to take preferences that I can’t explain into account too. In the end liking things is not inherently logical. It is possible to apply logic to some extent, but not endlessly. For example, I often like the appearence of objects because they are blue, however I can not explain why I like the color blue. In a way you could say that the best choice is defined as the one you have the strongest preference for. Of course this isn’t entirely true, because liking a choice doesn’t equal liking the results of that choice and logic often has (great) value in predicting those. Still, logic has it’s flaws too and results can often be changed later. So in the somewhat rare case that I have a strong preference, I try to embrace it.

Leave a Reply