Fixing What Doesn’t Need It

I had a brief but interesting conversation with a friend earlier today.  She was concerned that in these mellow days of mine that I may be susceptible to being “fixed” by another person.  She wondered if I was risking the loss of my very soul via my efforts to shapeshift yet again for something that I want.  I reassured her that this would not be the case.  I’m not in the business of fixing others and I am not with any desire to be fixed myself.  I am who I am.  Warts and all, I celebrate my condition to the extent that I can and to the extent that I can keep myself out of poverty and out of jail.  Why does everyone assume that the antisocial needs to be fixed?  Why do they think I want to be fixed?

There is an important distinction here.  I do not wish to be cured of my psychopathic status.  Affective empathy seems like it would be quite the drain on a human being.  I’ve said that my tears are my own and no one else’s.  This is still the case.  If I can be bothered to care, then it is a result of another’s status in my eyes, not due to some visceral and unwanted reaction deep within my core.  That said, I do wish to be rid of those facets of the condition that are overtly destructive.  My impulsivity is unwanted.  My inability to form a realistic set of life goals is irritating.  My perpetual cycle of self-destruction is anathema.  All of these things I can want changed without rejecting what makes me, me.

Any changes that I do desire are the responsibility of myself and my therapist, not of those around me.  I would react poorly if anyone close to me – that was not a paid professional – tried to change my soul for funsies.  I am who I am.  I am comfortable in this vessel and I will be until the day I expire.  Whether the condition is one for me to lament is my decision and mine alone.  I am not irritated with my friend; she meant well.  However, she and everyone else must know that I desire no more to be fixed than anyone else who is happy with their life.  I’m not a car, I don’t need a tune up and I don’t need a paint job.  I just need left alone to decide for myself what I want in this life.

...And the Animals Were Given Voices
Borderline Blues

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