Reverence

I grow tired of everyone trying to justify my condition.  “Oh it must have been due to abuse; it’s okay to act this way as a result.”  “Obviously your genetics are flawed and you can’t control that, it’s okay.”  I’ve heard countless other pathetic excuses as well.  Some of these are used by those that want to fake ASPD and/or psychopathy for some reason and some of them are from those that wish to white knight my condition.  Everyone needs to cut out their tongues and these words.  I am a demon.  I am created in God’s image and it is my choice as to whether I will live or die by this condition.  The choices I make determine my humanity, not the warbling of the social justice movements seeking to make saints out of the condemned.

How I got here is irrelevant.  Based on everything that I’ve heard, antisocial genes are presumably found in those that came before me.  Had I the ability to have children, they would undoubtedly be antisocial as well.  Yes, my childhood was traumatic.  So fucking what?  The etiology of the condition as it manifests in me does not matter to me, so it should not matter to others.  What does matter is whether I will fall as a result.

I struggle.  I struggle.  I cave.  All the restraint in the world eventually fails unless death takes us first.  We all fall.  My struggles to remain in the good graces of society and those around me should not be dismissed.  However, those that seek to justify my condition are dishonoring me.  They dismiss my struggles as irrelevant as I walk the tightrope, surrounded by fire and pitch on all sides.  They believe they are creating a safety net, but they are merely creating dissonance.  Please, spare me.  All of the “understanding” in the world will do me no good if I falter.  I must own my condition while ensuring that it does not own me.  It is an exotic animal that would turn on me if I do not take care of it.  I must honor it but I can never allow it to go for my throat.  Please give me the respect I deserve.  Please be reverent.

Laid Bare
The Well

Comments

  1. NT says

    Jess. Long time.

    “I am created in God’s image and it is my choice as to whether I will live or die by this condition. The choices I make determine my humanity, not the warbling of the social justice movements seeking to make saints out of the condemned.”

    Choice. That’s the question, isn’t it? Free will. I don’t believe in it. For ‘sinner’ or ‘saint’. Control, self or otherwise, is an accidental fabrication of the mind. You are no more in control of your ‘demon’ actions as the ‘saints’ are of their saintly acts. We are automata….all of us. Some of us have perceptions and stimuli processing which is pro-social, others antisocial. Who of us are responsible at all?

    “What does matter is whether I will fall as a result.”

    Does it? I get the impression (incorrect or not) that it matters to you that you don’t fall. What do you mean by fall? What are the consequences of falling? Negative impact to your social reputation? The psychopath cares not for these things. The borderline does though.

    • Anonymous says

      Social reputation is highly important to anybody who wants to remain afloat in today’s world, psychopath or not. I’m most assuredly not borderline, but I know that without social standing or the appearance of it, I would not have a job.

  2. Anonymous says

    You are NOT a demon. And God did NOT make you that way. This was a path YOU chose and YOU alone. We are all responsible for our own actions and what kind of people we are. Don’t put that on God for making you the way you are, He did not. YOU did!

    And there are other inconsistencies I’m noticing in your posts. You say your nature does not matter, but your actions does, which goes in line with what another sociopath said “it’s not what you have that counts but what you do with it.” And using that type of message to justify your inner person or your true nature is perverting the whole meaning of honor, nobility and ethics. It takes so much more to be a truly good and functional member of society than performing outward acts of kindness, and you people know it. You should want to do the right thing because it’s RIGHT, not for your own convenience or acceptance in social standing. Your motives should be “I’m going to give to the poor because I want to help them. It’s the right thing to do and I want the best for them”, not “If I do this, I’ll earn money or the trust of the people of our society or I’ll stay out of jail”. Also, your statements seem to shift back and forth from having the perspective of a person who takes responsibility for their own actions to someone who believes their “condition” makes them or via the random machinations of nature itself, you are what you are.

    Again, YOU made you. No one or nothing else.

    • Scarlet says

      Comments like the above make me feel truly grateful to know I could shove an ignorant presumptuous moralist’s face down on a hot stove burner and hold it there for like thirty seconds and unreservedly enjoy the whole process.

      But that would be wrong.

    • Anonymous says

      Well aren’t you just a little ball of sunshine? I got a question for you. Aren’t most religions about spreading a message of love and salvation? Your comment is one of anger, hate and condemnation. You rebuke Jessica Kelly’s good deeds because they are not done for the “right” reasons, yet it’s clear that your only intent here is to spread malice. Pretty pathetic if you ask me. Using the guise of religion to cause discord does seem like something a psychopath would do though…. So I guess you are in the right place. Take a seat by the fire with the rest of us. It’s nice and toasty down here! Anyways, I wish you the best. (not really)

      -A

      P.S. You have tried to pick on a group of people specifically known for not giving a shit about what other people think. Next time try picking out a better target audience. Honestly, that could have been planned out a LOT better if you wanted to get under our skin.

      • FNP says

        It always seems to me that the especially prickly types are the ones who rely heavily on their emotions rather than on simple logic. All one needs to do to get under their skin is to say something irreverent about them, and they try to drown you in anger or tears.

        For me, it takes a lot of sustained effort to get me to react with anger against someone I don’t know nor will ever interact with except on the internet.

    • FNP says

      It’s usually quite amusing to me to see these types of responses. Rich people don’t give to the poor because it’s about feeling good, but because their peers hold them in higher regard for doing so. But the real question is: why should being “good” be the first reaction to stimuli? What does it do for me other than make me seem good to the outside observer?

    • Tailbone says

      What are you implying here? That we can control how we were raised, our genetics?
      Does it really matter what our motivation behind doing good is?
      You really shouldn’t mind as long as we’re keeping it in our pants- so to speak.

      Everyone’s after the same thing- being respected in their community, and I doubt it’s just us antisocials that do things that are seen as “good” by the general populace to gain points with others.

      Maybe think about how different you are from us while you eat your dinner and praise your god tonight. I’m sure you’ll see your motivations as pure…. or… will you?

    • Scarlet Rose says

      “Don’t put that on God for making you the way you are, He did not. YOU did!”

      I just love this kind of crap – God is responsible for everything in the world since he mad,e but only the good things! The bad things we can use to condemn and guilt people so clearly they must not have been made by God.

      Just the dissonance is so bad.

      “You should want to do the right thing because it’s RIGHT,”

      Go home Kant, you’re drunk.

      Seriously, motive doesn’t matter in moral actions since it’s ultimately immeasurable. No one can honestly say why another person does an action. We can try to infer from their personality, previous actions and words, etc. But we can’t know.

      Hell most people are so lacking in self-awareness they don’t even really know why they do certain actions.

      All that matters is outcomes.

      Jessica, it sounds like you’re going through a lot right now. Ultimately we do just have to accept the way we are. I think that was some of the best advice a fellow socio gave me.

      Are you good, are you evil? Does it matter? I don’t think it does, to me it honestly sounds like you’re reaching that point where introspection becomes obsessive. I had to deal with that too. Ultimately I found that if I backed off a little I could learn more about myself by just observing my impact on others and observing myself as I interacted.

      And yeah, that observation told me I wasn’t a good person. But I accepted that and went on.

    • Scarlet says

      Jessica, if you feel a need to ask me to stop advocating graphic violence, I will totally understand. One word from you and I won’t vocalise how much I’d like to take whoever that was and smash their eyes into a sharp kitchen counter corner over and over again. *You* have the power to make this stop.

      Do the right thing. -_-

  3. says

    Could you learn another language? I have strong reason that it’ll reset your emotional responses and put your on a different plane of understanding. I don’t care about you, I care about what you view about yourself, why? You’ve done nothing to prove to me your worth as a human being and yet, beyond that I still care. Odd how feelings work. How can both parties retain a sense of peace when one is constantly attacking the other AND claiming victim at the same time. I’ve seen this pattern in everyone and I’m so sorry..but you’re normal, like everyone else. It’s petty and I know I probably won’t be listen to again.. and again.. because the only point of your community is to PROVE psychopathy… in any way possible that I don’t find any of your conclusions to be objective… so why use a blanket term for a population of people that are supposedly under 1 percent? It’s exhausting to care all the time, so I can see why you do it, but you can’t sustain happiness without relatively severing, worshipping, and being selfless. Oh lol. Severing. Off with all the heads! Serving* we are human KIND. If anyone wishes to prove otherwise, go into a forest… leave your tribesmen and BE ANTISOCIAL. Frankly, rabbits are more psychopathic than you and they get more ass.

    You are just not that damn interesting and that is your problem.

    Also, people do good to FEEL GOOD. Damn.

    Ignore my emotional responses, you would not understand them right anyways. You couldn’t understand what they mean.

    The first part though, language look into that.

    • Anonymous says

      I did have some rudimentary knowledge of Spanish a while back (It’s been years since I’ve actually bothered with it, and I doubt I remember much) and I don’t think there was any change or a different “persona” that I hear comes along with learning a language. Then again I didn’t past simple conversations either. The “reset” of our emotional status does seem a little unlikely though, due to the fact that psychopathy has been linked to damaged or dysfunctional frontal lobes, cerebral cortex, and amygdala, affecting our judgement/self control, self awareness, and ability to process emotion, respectively. In some isolated cases I could see it having a positive effect, and it’s worth looking in to, but over all I don’t see it having a profound impact on most psychopaths.

      As for us trying to “prove” psychopathy, the psychologists and medical professionals who are paid to research it have that responsibility, and as far as what I’m labeled you could call it “fluffy bunny syndrome” for all I care. As far as the necessity of labeling such a small percent of the population, that one percent is roughly 72 million psychopaths, with about 3.2 million of which are in the United States an 7.5 million in Europe, statistically speaking. We are also highly prone to violent and criminal behavior. Psychopaths also make a rather large chunk of the prison population, especially when paired with the fact that we make up a rather small minority of the general population. I’d say it’s a pretty good idea to study us with that in mind.

      As far as deciding not to give a shit and just “go off and be antisocial”, why do you think we so often end up in jail? And psychopathy is mostly regarded as untreatable, though hopefully future research will turn up better treatment options. But alas, most psychologists just aren’t equipped to handle psychopathic or narcissistic individuals. Also, comparing the thought process behind a complex psychological condition in a human to a rabbit isn’t very sound, from a scientific perspective. As far as boring goes, I think the media proves that wrong right off the bat with all the attention our less civil counterparts get after a high profile crime. Plus, Hollywood seems to love us too, even if they don’t always get their facts straight. 🙂

      -A

    • FNP says

      I speak Italian, German, and Russian at a near fluent level. This has virtually no basis in emotions or empathy, but simply because I don’t really have much else to do other than jacking off in my free time these days.

      However, unlike Jess/PG, I also don’t have any sort of psychotherapy interaction in my life at this point in time. The single reason that I don’t act hugely antisocial is because I can’t even drive unsafely without the local small-town cops giving another $120 ticket these days.

  4. Derash says

    Not relevant, but sometimes I wish I could come up with these clever turns of phrase that are all over this comment chain. They always make me chuckle and then chastise myself for having a mostly droll sense of humor. Gahh.

    Pretty good arguments nonetheless. I love this topic too – I’m going through the same thing nowadays. I’ve come to realize for months now that I’m much more of a schizoid than an antisocial/psychopath, but so many things between Jessica and I in terms of thinking are still in common. It’s weird but pretty cool at the same time (and labels are just arbitrary means of classification anyhow). I often feel enlightened by the time I’ve spent here.

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