Therapy fucked me up tonight. I’m starting to lose sight of the narrative I’ve constructed over the past few years. Now, challenging any narrative for validity is always a good thing, but I feel especially troubled given how correct I thought my narrative was. I used to believe that everyone born from a human mother’s womb was human, but now I’m not so sure. “We try to learn to be people, but at the end of the day we are still animals,” I said dejectedly to my therapist. She did not refute my statement.
The arc of the session does not particularly matter for the purposes of this post. All that matters is that I left (and I suppose entered) the session no longer believing the core tenet of my beliefs regarding ASPD. How can a beast interact with man in any healthy fashion? How can an animal be seated at the same table as man? How can the less-than-human even respect one another when other’s throats are more appealing than their souls? I don’t know. It bothers me to think that my world is a limited one rather than a limitless one; that there are things that will always be beyond the stars – that I cannot touch. I’ve known this on some level for a while; I speak frequently of the “bubble” the psychopath lives in and will not revisit it here. But, what if this extends to more interactions that we take for granted as being self-evident? What if I truly have no tongue to speak with and only claws to make handshakes with? How does this change the narrative?
It would tear the narrative asunder. There would be no hope, no future, not even a present. Animals are “less thans”. Shit, depending on the animal itself, we can consider them unsavory and worthy of eradication. What is it about the human condition that separates animals from men? And, is it true that that difference exists for me? I don’t have the answers right now. Hell, I might forget this lamentation by the time I wake tomorrow morning. But, for the moment, I am left with those haunting words that came from my own mouth. “We try to learn to be people, but at the end of the day we are still animals.”