My therapist and I had a lengthy discussion about morality this evening. I’ve been struggling the past few days with knowing where I lie on such a spectrum ranging from ‘pure good’ to ‘pure evil’ after confessing some particularly damning thoughts to her. I’m an ardent intellectual and the knowledge that I could not separate the expectations of society and other pressures from my own internal view of self – which is weak, of course – bothered me quite heavily. Did I care where I lay on the spectrum? Did I not care? Was it better to know or not know? etc. etc.
She knows of my violent thoughts and fantasies as well as my subversive sexual fetishes. I’ve confessed more to her than any other person on this earth. Yet she still thinks that I reside left of center on the spectrum I described in the preceding paragraph. Yes, placement on that spectrum is a combination of alignment and deed, but the absence of bad behavior by one with an antisocial alignment must be considered “good” in and of itself. Assuming that the rest of my deeds more or less cancel each other out, then I must be a somewhat “good” person.
These may seem like academic questions that I struggle with, but the parallels run much deeper. My interpersonal relationships, romantic or otherwise, cannot survive if I do not remember to sail different seas in the present and future than I did in the past. My freedom is not guaranteed if I become lax with the codes and protocols that I have put into place these past few years. Complacency does not get me what I want in life, only vigilance will. Left to my own devices, such vigilance would most likely be out of reach. I am not alone in this struggle, however, and for my therapist’s assistance I am eternally indebted.
This leaves the present a bit muddy. Does constantly immersing myself in the dark and perverted help me stay the course or does it add extra weight? Should I abandon those endeavors I’ve created in the name of discourse and my own self-discovery? I don’t know.
I recognize that these are not the thoughts of a prototypical antisocial individual. I’m less antisocial than I was yesterday, and hopefully tomorrow I’ll be less antisocial than today. It just isn’t working for me, even if it is my alignment and my past.