At what point do we cross the boundary that society has set for us? More importantly, at what point do we cross the line between ‘okay’ and ‘not okay’ that we police ourselves with? Do we know when we are on the wrong side of it, or does it sneak up on us? These are all questions that I’m struggling with after a particularly thought-provoking therapy session this evening. I thought I had a bead on my own alignment. Am I just lying to myself instead?
I don’t care what others think of me. I often speak my mind and present myself as I see fit in the moment. Alliances and true interpersonal bonds are often lost on me due to my fiery temper and my unwillingness to accommodate others. That said, I do suppose that I care regarding my own perception of myself. That is, I care what I think of myself. At the moment, and this shall probably pass by morning, I see myself as conflicted. I know that I’ve crossed the line from acceptable into unacceptable territory according to my own standards. I may not know where the boundary lies, but I know that I’m on the wrong side of it.
If I’m being evasive, it is because I have to be. Until I can own those characteristics that lie on the wrong side of the boundary, I cannot associate them with me. My own sense of self depends on reconciling those facets that I am proud of – such as my intellect, wit, and achievements – with those that I do not wish to own. Those that I cannot accept are undoubtedly shaped by the will of the larger mass. Even though I care not for their opinions, my internal bearing is based in part on their will. It’s confusing. I don’t pretend to understand.
I don’t know when I crossed the infinitesimally small boundary that separates those facets that compose a person I find acceptable with those that I do not find acceptable. My internal alignment is off. I have much to think about in the coming days, but first I must choose whether to own what I find unacceptable or to change. I do not care what others think about me, but I do care about what I think about me. And, right now, that perception is in vertigo.