I touched a bit on my anger management issues in the previous post, but I wish to elaborate a bit further with this one. In many ways, the psychopathic condition is one of being child-like. We don’t like doing our “chores” (parasitism), we reach out for shiny objects that catch our eye (impulsivity), and we often cannot regulate our own behaviors (poor behavioral controls). The jury seems out as to whether the majority of psychopaths have the anger problems that I do. Sometimes I am painfully slow to anger, and other times I am set ablaze by the tiniest ember. There does not seem to be rhyme nor reason to whether I am slow burning or whether I immediately punch my red button and go nuclear.
I gave my account – to the best that I could remember – of the past few days to my therapist earlier this evening. I could not articulate why I was set off the way that I was. I could not articulate my thought processes during my tantrum. Finally, I could barely recall the actual “facts” of the tantrum. Given my shoddy memory, we don’t know whether to be concerned or really concerned. I’ve had my run ins with anger in the past and no one got seriously hurt, but my memories of those times are always based on accounts from others. I can rarely recall my own tantrums. Am I browning out during my blind rage? If so, will this eventually result in major trauma for myself or those foolish enough to be around me while I’m in the throes of hate? These are legitimate, and concerning, questions.
I don’t have answers just yet. Both my therapist and I agree that we need to place urgency on developing strategies to calm me down when I see red. I suspect that I will need to be more mindful and that I will need to find deescalation tactics, but I do not know what these look like just yet. Part 2 of this post will describe some of those strategies that I will presumably learn. Until then, I just hope that I’m the only one that is harmed from my tantrums. Losing a job or my freedom over seeing red is simply not an option.