When I came out as transgender, many years ago at this point, my mom decried the “freak that her womb produced” and wished aloud that she had aborted me. If that is how she would react to what is visible in her life, I can only wonder how she would react to the invisible and the internal. Of course she is not around for most of my antisocial acts, though if she were astute and not blinded by familial love, she would notice my parasitism. The point still stands. If we are disgusted by what resides in plain sight, how would we react according to those things that live in the shadows. Cock in mouth, needle in hand, bottle alongside the road: hi mom, won’t you look at me?
My antisocial bent will never truly go away regardless of all the therapy I pay for and the restraint I take to heart. My behavior is simply turned internally these days. I’m more likely to be the victim of my ways than those around me. My impulsivity, promiscuity, and a slew of other facets of my personality are all more likely to drag me under water than anyone else. Yes, there was a time in which the daises being pushed would cover the grave of another, but that reality is no more. I may not be actively chasing my own demise with drug use or rampant alcoholism these days, but I’m still playing Russian roulette with my life. Watch and be amazed as I squander my intellect and good-fortune and throw myself further into the abyss. Hello, collect call from a Ms. Self-Destruct, will you answer?
Hi mom, won’t you look at me? Won’t you see what I’ve become? Like father, like son-thing, I’ve not escaped what fate I was destined for. I burn a trail of destruction wherever I go even if I’m merely tossing cigarette butts rather than using napalm these days. Whether she aborted me or whether I continue to guide this ride in its death-spiral, the result it the same. The question is whether anyone is watching. Am I surrounded by the blind or the indifferent? Watch and be amazed, friends and family. Cock in mouth, needle in hand, bottle alongside the road: won’t you look at me?