I am a loose cannon. I rarely consider what the best long-term plan is and give undue weight to what satisfies in the present. My narcissism may require a modicum of validation from other people, but by and large, I do not care how others perceive me. I know that I am superior. A reminder from time to time is nice but not required. Regardless, I often get myself into trouble because I am perpetually unhinged.
Last night, in a fit of blind and all-encompassing rage, I nuked my Tumblr blog. Years of contacts and posts fell victim to the overwhelming hate I was feeling in the moment. I recreated it immediately – starting from scratch – but ultimately I have no major regrets. All that matters is that my will was satisfied. Sick of self-referential cliques and cartoon-like individuals that I dealt with on a daily basis, I rejected the system in total. Was it the most prudent option given my aspirations as a writer? No. Did it provide the most satisfaction in the moment? Yes.
My interpersonal relationships are often strained for similar reasons. I’m sure there is an element of Borderline devaluation that goes through my mind, but ultimately I am most concerned with what honors my will in the moment. I’ve abandoned many due to the most minor of transgressions simply because they provoked my anger. It does not matter that I could have gained much from them afterwards had I held my tongue or metaphorical fists, I had to honor the moment.
I need to learn to calm down and to think toward the future. I champion restraint when it comes to general antisocial activity, but I do not follow my own advice when it comes to my own matters. While I may not be engaging in overt antisocial behavior, I certainly am losing ground with each bridge that I burn. I may not care what others think, but I should.