After the diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder and confirmation of psychopathy, I found myself wondering if the diagnosis and confirmation were correct. I suppose some doubt will always remain in my mind as I am highly skeptical of everything and highly analytical by nature. Such doubts are exacerbated by the fact that I don’t necessarily feel disordered and that my only frame of references comes from behind these two eyes. Sure, I wish I hadn’t spent 100’s of thousands of dollars on useless shit or fucked myself sideways with drugs and I wish that I could hold some goal for the future, but don’t we all? My activities and proclivities have only landed me in jail once and I don’t plan on returning. Isn’t that just part of the human condition and struggle? I no longer feel a need to prove anything to myself; uncertainty will always linger. However, many do and they fade faster than any falling star.
Some do believe that they must honor themselves after a diagnosis of ASPD and/or confirmation of psychopathy. I know I had a brief spell in which I heightened my antisocial ways as a result. What is there to prove, though? Anyone diagnosed with ASPD, in particular, did not receive such a diagnosis without an especially sordid past. The sins of the past should be enough proof for anyone challenging a diagnosis of ASPD and especially a confirmation of psychopathy. However, the past need not dictate the future. That said, one can certainly cement their future if they wish to. This is especially dangerous for those malleable individuals that may qualify for conduct disorder (if an adolescent) or those that may be hypochondriacs. It is sad enough when a freshly diagnosed antisocial goes off the rails and loses their freedom and/or lives. It is even more disturbing when those with no antisocial background do the same as a means of satisfying the image that they have in their heads.
If you want to stay free and welcome in society, you must fly under the radar. Needlessly turning to an extroverted chaos serves zero purpose. Thrillseekers be damned, there is nothing that any of us have left to prove. We got here because of our pasts and that should be enough to assuage any concerns of self-legitimacy even if our futures can follow a different trajectory. There will be those that are something that they are not. They wear the mask of the antisocial just as we wear the mask of the neurotypical, but eventually reality will come crashing down. I wonder what those kids from Oklahoma are thinking now, years after they killed to see what is was like. Was it worth it? Was lashing out to honor one’s real or false self really worth losing it all?