I’ve decided to start looking for a paramour again. It’s been a few years since my marriage ended and I feel that I have enough knowledge about my inner workings to where another shot may not be immediately doomed or sabotaged. I know not to set my expectations high, as a lot of the richness of relationships are lost on my stoic, psychopathic state. There is still a nagging feeling though, born out of self-preservation, that I will find some creative way to ruin any potential relationship. My narcissism and parasitism are not going to disappear, for instance, and these traits in particular can poison any interpersonal relationship, romantic or otherwise. In many ways, I am a self-aware predator, knowing what I am capable of and what I will probably do, but hoping that restraint and heightened self-awareness can head off mortal injury to my interpersonal relationships moving forward.
I want to be fair to a potential partner if only because it increases the probability that my ultimate desire, companionship, will be met. I know that I am incapable of taking the perspective of such a partner in any fashion that would lead to an “altruistic” desire to satisfy their needs. I suppose one could argue that the end result is the same and that the person I will spend time with does not need to know of the distinction, but it still grates on me to an extent. I find the reality abrasive because the dangers of a self-fulfilling prophecy are heightened. If I believe that I am incapable of looking out for another in a relatively selfless way, that will certainly come to pass, and my desire will crumble before my eyes.
I titled this post as much because I believe that in many ways, my actions are sealed. Even the most introspective and self-aware individual finds the temptation of old tricks to be overwhelming. I may realize that my predatory and destructive ways will end all relationships at some point moving forward, but I feel that I have little control in silencing such demons. For all of the benefits that psychopathy brings to the table, we know all too well that stable interpersonal relationships are not any of them.