This post is different than most in that it is very personal in nature. I’ve been thinking a lot about the nature of goals and my life. In less than a month, I will be thirty years old. I’m not convinced that I want to stay on my current track in terms of a career and I’ve decided that I will not be continuing in the city I currently reside in. As hard as it is for the psychopath to be stimulated by anything, I wonder if it makes sense to have a rigid job and 9-5 for the next twenty or thirty years of my life. I wonder if maybe there is some self-employment route I could take. I wonder if all of this will be moot if I get what I want most: a living from contributing to the discourse on ASPD and psychopathy.
I honestly don’t know what would happen if my psychopathy came to the attention of an employer. An interesting theory is that as long as I am not demonstrably fucking around with my job, that I would fall under a protected class due to mental illness. Or, maybe I’d be shown the door. I’ve been “pg” for almost two years now and I could not imagine trading my presence for the world. So few speak out on this subject and no one else is willing to do it publicly and without a pseudonym. I need to make a decision whether this work I do (blogging, social media, etc.) is part of the long term plan I hold or not. And, I know that I cannot make such a decision easily because the concept of long-term anything makes little sense for me to begin with.
I’m not sure that I want to live past fifty or sixty anyway, and if that is the case, it would make sense to grab onto as much freedom as I can in the meantime. I just know that such a choice must be on my own terms however. I’ve come too far to ever pull the plug on these words and I suppose that I want them to reach into the future, I just don’t know how best to do that. Goals elude me, but I know that in the present, I want nothing more than to be able to live by my own terms, open and honest and unafraid of what may come. As the days roll on, I find that I am “pg” first and everything else second. This gives me drive and this gives me purpose. What do I do to make everything else fall into place? If this is the key to any amount of satisfaction in my life, how do I devote more time to it rather than less and how do I better live it?