What More Do You Want From Me?

What more do you want from me?  This is a question I often ask myself as I stand outside and smoke cigarettes.  I didn’t choose this life.  I didn’t choose this disorder.  I have no other frame of reference, so I do not feel that I am missing out on anything.  I recognize that I am a complement to the neurotypicals of this world and I hold no answer to the question of which group is “better.”  Harming others eventually lost its luster and I’ve come to learn that a prosocial subversion is far more beneficial than outward destruction.  I am impotent and restrained.  What more do you want from me?

Those days of being a fiend have passed.  Maybe it is because my hair is graying or maybe it is because I realize that the risk is too great and the reward too small for being a force of chaos.  I am mellowing.  I haven’t forgotten my tricks or my gifts.  Forgetting and refusing to honor are two different things, however.  I can still remember how to ride a bike even if I choose never to ride one again.  I can remember how to destroy even if I take the more boring and slower route to success these days.  This is not a call for pity; it is my reality these days.

If I point out the gun at my head, I am called paranoid.  If I examine the double standard I am called a manipulator. If I lash out and burn all around me, I am called true.  Truth is much fuzzier for the successful psychopath; it is composed of lies, deceit, restraint, and prosociality.  My potential sins and crimes remain in my head these days and they are dammed by the free will of the successful psychopath.  Is this not good enough?  What more do you want from me?  What more can I give?

The Time of Your Life
An Intelligent Calculus - Psychopathic Reasoning in the Absence of Conscience

Comments

  1. says

    “Is this not good enough? What more do you want from me? What more can I give?”

    Who do you want to answer these questions? The only people able to are those you interact with personally on a regular basis. They can say whether they find it enriching and enjoyable to be with your honest yet restrained self.
    Absolution cannot be granted at a universal level (the Pope may disagree though) and this applies to all of us.

    • Jessica Kelly says

      The point of this post deals not necessarily with absolution – as I believe that absolution originates with the sinner and is desired by the sinful – but rather the ever-increasing demands of the majority have for psychopaths. Analogies that I considered but did not use could refer to the plight of sex offenders or other felons for instance. Long after the individual has realigned their ways, groups still demand that the label, granted by the larger mass, stick. At what point do we no longer excuse the snuffing of individual liberty?

      I do like your point, however, that this is not a psychopath-specific plight. It is human nature to never forget and ultimately there is an unfair burden to seek another’s forgetfulness.

  2. Anonymous says

    What I want you for you is to be the greatness that I see is within you. You’re already writing and being becoming of yourself. The next thing is to discard the label yourself because truly, it does not fit; it cannot contain you. You’re more than words. The things is, you’ve already started discover yourself as the truth is within you. What’s fun, is that everyone around you has already overcome their inner apathy to trancend into a life that’s less dense. I mean this literally, think about it. Other people just call them something else. Their demons, their shadow selves. Whatever, language exists for communication. Nothing more. Trust and don’t take yourself so seriously. When you start to care about something, you’ll start playing the defensive which is a much more tactical game. Again. You’re something else. Be you. Be Jessica.

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