My therapist and I got in a somewhat heated argument this evening. I’ve been extremely reckless as of late and generally self-destructive for a long period of time and we have differing views regarding the underlying cause. She believes that I am wanting to self-sabotage whereas I am positing that I am compelled to seek ruin and that choice does not play a role. It’s interesting though, as while I do believe in the free will of the psychopath, I am also apt to believe that such will is hindered probabilistically by the forces of the personality disorder.
We all have choice. We can choose to get out of bed in the morning. We can choose to run that mile after dinner or not. Choice is all around us or else we would essentially be victims of Fate, without any say in how our lives play out. However, I also believe that organic conditions can wreak havoc on such decision making skills. The alcoholic has a harder time choosing to abstain from drinking than the non-alcoholic choosing whether or not to have a glass of wine with dinner. The person with ADHD may find the psychic energy to complete a task to be overwhelming. And, the psychopath – I believe – may find it incredibly difficult to remember that impulsivity can only bring ruin. Why would I consciously choose ruin? That is something I cannot grasp as it would imply that I enjoy a lesser status – something my self-grandiosity would not tolerate.
Whether we are staring at two sides of the same coin does not matter though. What matters is that I am still bad with money and that my health choices are non-existent. I’ve often joked that I am a professional escape artist. I create my own bindings and, at the last moment, find a way to break free before I suffocate or drown. My luck is going to run out, however. I have to choose whether I own my impulsivity or whether it owns me. It may be a more difficult choice than for the neurotypical, but it is a choice I possess nonetheless. Maybe it is compulsion or maybe my personality disorder is inseparable from me and I really do want to self-sabotage as a means of honoring the demon that lords over me.
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