Both the relationship I have with my readers and the relationship I have with the world are not lost on me. I choose to remain visible and open and honest with my psychopathic condition and I how I choose to be defined by it (or not be defined by it). This means that I am often fighting on two fronts. I present my visible self to a world hostile to my existence and I present that same self to those that come looking for answers for the peculiarities they’ve noticed in their own lives. I am open and exposed with no visible allies. I’m not sure that I would have it any other way; I know what the stakes are to all involved.
Society is hostile toward me and my kind. We are given disproportionate sentences by the legal system which is supposed to be fair and just. We are marked as abusers by those that lack a mind creative and intelligent enough to consider the alternative. We are blackballed from various endeavors by those championing fear and “safety.” The niche to be filled by one willing to speak has never been lost on me. The reasons why that niche needs filled sometimes escape me, however. Is this narcissism? Is this a foolish desire to try and craft a world slightly more hospitable for the psychopath? A combination of the two? Neither? Maybe I focus to much on the “why” and would be better served to focus on the “how.”
I do not pretend to form meaningful bonds with those I assist and certainly not with those that I fight. However, we psychopaths all share a commonality. We are born from shadow and must remain in the shadow lest we are crushed outright by the hysterical masses. I know that I am not invincible. However, I have been given the opportunity to speak for those whose mouths have been sewn shut. I do not delude myself into believing that I can cause great change, but I am optimistic that the work that I do can bring some light to these shadowlands.
In a world in which therapists leave us to rot and friends leave us out of arms’ length, it is important for there to be some commonality, some alliance, between us. My acquaintances may have no faces, but I will not hide mine. The psychopath that tries to go solely alone will eventually crash and burn from his own recklessness. The psychopath that places her body entirely into the arms of another will remain unfulfilled and impotent. There has to be a middle ground, at least for those that want it. Too many believe they are condemned to live an inauthentic life. Too many are resigned to remaining in the shadow and behind the masks they’ve constructed. I want to see a different world, if only for myself, in which individuals are treated as individuals and the group is treated with a cautious respect. I want to see our enemies exposed for what they are: mindless fools with mindless goals of implicit genocide. I want what any marginalized group wants: legitimacy and armor against the tides of the masses.
No one comes to a confirmation or realization of psychopathy without some sort of sordid past. However, the past need not dictate the future, unlike what the neurotypical masses tend to believe. The truth is, all humans are born from the shadowlands I describe. Some are allowed passage into greener and better lighted pastures while the rest of us are kept penned. I will never know my brethren’s faces, but they will know mine. The mob we fight will not know most of our faces, but I hope one day that they as well will know mine. I believe the lands of shadow are worth fighting for, even if I must admit that any gains must benefit me first.
Maybe this is narcissistic delusion, but I’d like to believe that it could be so much more.