One Fix

I’m in a state of transition in my life.  I will probably be exploring new towns and new adventures sometime in the near to mid future and my desire to do much of anything in my current town is dwindling.  Such stagnation (and anticipation) renders me fairly impotent and desiring anything to satisfy my ennui, my eternal boredom.  I’ve returned to the realm of video games, choosing games that satisfy my need for stimulation in the best way possible.  Just five more minutes, I tell myself, as five minutes turns into six hours.  It may not be the most productive use of my time and no history will certainly be made from doing such, but it keeps me occupied.  It does not satisfy the beast that wants more, however.  I still want anything to make this life worth living; I want that one fix that will cure my boredom for good.

Psychopaths reach out for anything to satisfy their “shallow” lives.  By shallow, I mean that there exists a constant disconnect between one’s actions and the satisfaction gained from those actions.  I have nothing to prove at this point.  I’ve lived a life full of accomplishment and achievement, but yet none of it registers as worthy; none of it registered as entertaining or satisfying during those moments either.  We are corpses, reanimated, searching for anything to provide meaning or for oblivion to end it all.  When neurotypicals say they are bored or unsatisfied, they merely turn to another activity.  Maybe they pick up a book or a new hobby and then the listlessness fades away.  These are not options for the psychopath.  Everything is equally dull.  Everything is equally without worth.  We roam the lands, looking for anything to provide mental sustenance, and we are condemned always to find nothing.

I want that one high before I die.  I want to feel, even if only temporarily, that this life is lived by something more than a husk of a human being.  This isn’t depression, per se, but rather a damning realization that there simply is nothing that will register as satisfying.  I can play the video games (or watch movies, read books, or any number of other activities) and remain occupied, but all that is doing is making time move faster toward my own inevitable demise.  Whenever I come close to feeling positive emotion toward an activity, I find that I simply need more.  Something grander, more exciting, more satisfying.  It’s never enough though.  I crave one fix and such a fixer simply does not exist for me.   Tick tick tick tock.  May the clock ever increase its speed, for in death I will have nothing more to crave.

Burning Bridges
The Shadowlands

Comments

  1. mel says

    This article moves me to feel compassion for your plight. I can’t imagine living with a mind that has no peace or love and can never be satiated. It truly sounds like hell on Earth. It’s interesting that while psychopaths can have an awareness of what they are, they don’t have the compulsion to warn people. Why don’t Psychopaths warn targets? It would be similar to pharmaceutical companies listing the dangerous side effects of taking certain medication. People are warned and if they want to proceed, then they do so at their own risk. Wouldn’t you feel better if you let people know what exactly they are dealing with if choosing a relationship with you? Or, do psychopaths get some sort of thrill in watching people, who feel emotion, show signs of disappointment and hurt. It’s this unanswered question that makes me withdrawal that feeling of compassion for the psychopathic plight. If you know your tendencies, why not warn people? That way a psychopath could never be called malicious, sadistic, manipulative, evil etc. Psychopaths would get the understanding and empathy they seek.

    • FNP says

      There’s no fun in going after something that’s already pre-tuned to ignore you.

      Yes, fucking with you is fun. And fun is the opposite of boredom, albeit an opposite that doesn’t last.

  2. mel says

    What makes it so much fun? Is sadism the best fun to have because all other forms of fun are boring? Do you always plan how the relationship will end? If, yes, do you manipulate a situation to deliberately cause the person much confusion and pain. Or, do you without premeditation, just walk away when you get bored?

    • FNP says

      Either/or, depends on the person. Clingy types get manipulated, non-clingy types get left behind. That’s just me though.

      I still don’t see why’d I’d warn somebody. If you’re genuinely interesting and fun to be with, I’m not going to manipulate you anyway.

      • mel says

        Traditionally, Psychopaths leave, or create a situation that’s so unbearable the “victim” has to leave. Apparently, no one is ever interesting or fun enough, right? Eventually, a Psychopath will get bored, or restless and will create an intolerable situation. The Psychopath won’t ever like settling into a “normal” kind of flow, correct? If the “victim” isn’t the absolutely perfect court jester, then the Psychopath will play around out of court, not feeling the need to disclose a betrayal. Right? If, yes, then thats manipulation.

          • FNP says

            I’m very clearly saying that manipulation is involved except in the hypothetical situation I gave.

            Also, manipulation is involved in virtually every interaction between people, regardless of any personality disorders.

  3. mel says

    I suppose it might be difficult for a Psychopath to understand that a normal person has no need to manipulate all people all the time and in fact we rarely do. Psychopaths constantly need supply, or be driven mad from boredom. Normal people don’t. We can “supply” and feed ourselves. We are self contained units able to do everything without manipulating others. Normal people don’t like to manipulate because manipulating feels bad to us. Normal people have a barometer to gage stupid behavior, Psychopaths don’t. It’s quite interesting how Psychopaths think they can outwit & maneuver people through manipulation. The truth is: give a Psychopath enough rope and he will most certainly hang himself with it. His grandiosity and arrogance gets him every time. A Psychopath’s delusion of grander and control is based on a fantasy in which only the Psychopath lives. The Psychopath can’t see (because he can’t fee) how his actions reveal his intentions and the result is often a series of very embarrassing actions which renders him persona non grata.

    • FNP says

      Neurotypicals manipulate all the time. You simply call it something else. Buying a gift for someone? Manipulating them into liking you more. Showing up to work early? Manipulating your boss into liking you more.

      • mel says

        Like I said, Psychopaths can’t comprehend when an action is inspired by honest feelings because all psychopathic actions are selfishly inspired = manipulation. Normal people by gifts because we like the feeling of giving. We don’t tend to try to get someone to “like us more” because we know that is a shallow and ultimately empty pursuit. We tend to pursue relationships that generate reciprocal emotions because otherwise the relationship will be short lived and be a waste of time. “Manipulating your boss to like you more?” That’s an interesting and very revealing statement into the Psychopathic mind. An employer will generally “like you more” if and when you do a good job, successfully meeting your job requirements. “Manipulating a boss” will, in most cases, get you fired. Remember what I said about giving a Psychopath enough rope? You just substantiated my point! Manipulation is a weakness and ultimately makes a person ineffective and considered a risk due to lack of real substance. Manipulators are not respected, disliked and avoided due to being false. Manipulators generate bad reputations because phony = slimy.

        • FNP says

          And yet you elect manipulative liars every 4 years if you’re in the US. Also every 2 years and every 6 years.

          Manipulation of your boss will get you a raise or a promotion for being such a model employee. Manipulation comes in many forms, like flattery or purposely showing up early or asking for more work load. All of these are selfish ways to get your paycheck to increase. There’s no selfless component. If there was, you’d be working for free because you just love helping so much. And then your kids would starve.

          If you’re under the impression that neurotypical people do things because the alternative is a waste of time, you’re wrong. Neurotypical people do things for selfish reasons like wanting to be happier or to look better amongst their friends. These reasons are always tied to emotion and soft logic. Not doing things because they’re a waste of time is what psychopaths and narcissists and antisocial people do. It’s a hard logic response.

          • mel says

            By your logic, you must be receiving “employee” of the month recognition regularly with bonuses and frequent raises to follow. The thing about work is that employment is a commodity exchange arrangement. A person is compensated for work done. That’s not manipulation that’s compensation. Better work results in a raise, poor output result is job loss. With regard to flattery, I do not flatter with an agenda. I flatter, or complement because I like to, when appropriate, with no strings attached. I am not such a barren emotional dessert that I need to complement people to make friends and have people like me. Authenticity goes a long way.

            I am understanding that all of this may be a very foreign concept for you because you do not have the emotional band-width to grasp that not everything is self-serving by nature. Consequently, your response make no sense and this is just another typical psychopathic circular conversation leading to nowhereville.

            Oh, by the way, I never before viewed the pursuit of happiness, or wanting to take pride in ones appearance to be selfish pursuits. The pursuit of happiness is an inalienable right. Pursuing happiness may enable one to enhance the lives of others. For some – happiness is achieved in the course of improving the lives of others (altruistically). Only a psychopath would twist basic human concepts into selfish motivated behavior (because that’s how psychopaths process all things). Geez, the mental contortions you go through to justify bad behavior and manipulation. Logic states: If you have to explain basic human concepts to an adult, like s/he is a 5 year old, then you are dealing with a narcissist/psychopath.

          • FNP says

            I work less than my coworkers and I get paid more to work less. I simply have to give the illusion of working better than they do for my boss to value my work, and by extension me, more.

            Can you honestly say that all of your interactions are so honest and authentic as you claim? Last time I checked, people who actually are that way don’t cry about how psychopaths are so evil and uncaring on a blog written by a psychopath for psychopaths and other like-minded people. Then again, Mother Teresa is dead and the Dalai Lama doesn’t post here.

            Altruism is giving to charity so as to effect an increase in social standing among your peers. It is not selfless by any means.

            Logic states that you should stop trying to make me feel something for you and your situation.

            Logic does not state that I should view you as something valuable simply because you are human.

            Logic also states that attacking me instead of my argument is a fallacy and therefore illogical.

            Also, how on Earth do you have any idea what I do with my time to say that I have bad behavior? I’ve never committed a crime in my life. I’m an upstanding citizen, I vote in every election and bond issue, no matter how minor it may seem to an outsider. I also spend 6-10 hours a week working as a political activist. Did I mention that I’m an Eagle Scout and that I work at the local soup kitchen 2 days a week?

            How much volunteer work and activist work do you do? If you’re so good and morally right, it must be more than I do, since I’m amoral. I mean, if you don’t, that would make you a worse person than me, wouldn’t it?

  4. mel says

    Circular conversation, like I said. This has spun off into a mindless tangent. I think it’s call deflection. It appears to be a deflection from the main point, which was: If you are conscious of your manipulation, wouldn’t it be better (for your victim i.e. the object of your manipulation) to tell them.

    I did not attack you. I disagreed with you and pointed out how what you say does not make sense. Your thought process is very hard to follow and I can’t agree with you because I don’t think like that. It just isn’t my experience to always have a need to self-serve.

    I am certainly not perfect, but it is my utmost intention to be as honest and forthright in all interactions as possible. I try really hard to be impeccable with my word and never use people for selfish gain. Why do I do this? 1) because I do not like how I feel when I manipulate and when I am selfish, so I avoid doing that. 2) I don not like to hurt people. Psychopaths’s think differently. I get that.

    How do I know what you do? Read what you wrote. You said you like to manipulate and fuck with people. Your definition of altruism is way off. Your definition is actually the antithesis of altruism.

    I do not make you worse than me. However, if you are a psychopath the I am imagining your willful tendencies and behavior can hurt people.

    • FNP says

      The definition of altruism that I gave was the one that several notable people, such as Sigmund Freud and Alfred Adler, agreed on, btw.

      Which is worse in your mind? The psychopath that does things because they are fun? Or the neurotypical that chooses not to feel empathy for somebody and hurts them while fully knowing how it feels to be hurt? Psychopaths are amoral, neurotypicals are the immoral ones.

      Your main point is inherently flawed in its reasoning though. I am conscious of the manipulation I do, but why would I care about hurting or not hurting the target’s feelings? To assume that I, as a psychopath, would care about their feelings is to ignore the complete and utter lack of affective empathy common to psychopaths. Affective empathy is the ability to feel what someone else feels, to step into their shoes as it were. Lacking this means that I don’t feel any need to warn them or give any notice that I am what I am. If they’re stupid enough to be manipulated, then they deserve to be manipulated.

      • mel says

        FNP “If they’re stupid enough to be manipulated, then they deserve to be manipulated.” That pretty much sums up why you need to wear caution tape when you are out in the world. Manipulation is a covert operation. How do people know? They don’t. That doesn’t make someone stupid. That makes a psychopath a con artist.

        Also, that statement completely contradicts and discredits everything you previously wrote.

        Hurting people for fun or doing so just because doesn’t make it ok. Psychopath or normal people who manipulate, con or lie are avoided.

        Like, I said warning label or caution tape, that’s what you need.

        I am out of this ridiculous discussion. Psychopaths make no sense.

        • FNP says

          You think we make no sense? You’re the one that’s been trying to figure out why those lacking empathy won’t use empathy to regulate their activities.

  5. brenali says

    I find it entertaining that the only reasoning for not manipulating was “I don’t like how it makes me feel.”
    Does that mean that the knot in your stomach is the only preventative measure your body takes in order to keep you in line?

    As for warning, what would that even sound like? I just imagine some Twilighty “I’m not good for you, I’m dangerous, I will only hurt you.”

    When people get transfixed on another out of some emotional reason and get told that it isn’t right, their first instinct is to make it right, to give the devil his wings and consider their affections the perfect medicine for a corrupt soul.

    Telling people you can’t return their affections, that you don’t care, that they are only temporary and will be laid to waste, it doesn’t work. I’ve warned people just to see what would happen, and they just latch on more. They dismiss it, laugh it off, or worse, they find it fascinating and make the stupidest assumptions about me until I abandon ship.

    • Jessica Kelly says

      This is good advice for anyone, neurotypical or otherwise, interacting with the psychopath. Interpersonal relationships with psychopaths *cannot* be had in the realm of emotion. However, I believe speaking to their logical side can yield benefit for all parties.

      • says

        A lot of neurotypicals seem to have a fascination with psychopaths, but they can’t grasp the concepts that are associated with said psychopath. Honesty about your psychopathic nature draws them in because they are curious, but they don’t understand or care that they could get hurt. The resulting manipulation and harm that comes to them will be their fault.

        That brings up the question about these neurotypicals being so masochistic that they would willingly subject themselves to this. In my opinion, manipulation is a natural thing. People manipulate to get what they want, and it doesn’t matter. The advertisements you see on TV? Those are manipulative. Car sales? Manipulative. Does it really matter the type of manipulation and the context that it’s in? If you buy the car because the salesman was successfully manipulative, and got you to buy it, and you’re satisfied with the product, doesn’t that make the manipulation beneficial?

        Neurotypicals and psychopaths alike both lie and cheat, and the only difference is that the neurotypicals “feel bad” or are remorseful because of their actions. Why feel bad if it’s only natural and beneficial? Humans aren’t created “perfect” and honest and never manipulative, so why is it that neurotypicals strive for that illusion?

        What is “normal”: the man who keeps to himself and benefits, or the man who is kind and caring and gives all of his possessions away to other people who want them only to satisfy their own wants?

        • Anonymous says

          manipulation is obviously beneficial if both people are benefiting from it, dumbfuck

          people just don’t give it a dirty connotation of manipulation. you’re awake to the real world, so are many people who learn to read body language, learn how psychopaths and narcissists act, learn sales and social engineering, etc etc. there are white hats and black hats and grey hats, but the hat that gives them the understanding of manipulation is still there

          both of these people are normal, because normal is just a relativistic concept of the majority vs the outliers. it’s a meaningless argument

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