I’ve said most everything there is to say on the subjects of ASPD and psychopathy at this point. When the sinner chooses restraint, there is only so many insights that can be gleaned. Rather than closing up shop, however, I’ve decided to poke deeper into my own psyche and to write on those experiences that are strictly my own. The “lessons” may not be easily generalized, but I still believe that there could be merit in such writing. I will continue to write specifically on psychopathy as insights are revealed to me, but I do not wish to succumb to radio silence.
I live a lonely life. I’m not sure whether this is due to my self-loathing from years of childhood abuse, my misanthropy that is fueled by my ASPD and psychopathy, or the fact that my Bipolar disorder makes me much needier than I would like to admit. Whatever the reason, my life is spent physically alone with only those virtual connections giving me any meaning or purpose in an interconnected sense. This does distress me. I may not believe in equality (as I reign supreme relative to those around me), but I do believe in having interpersonal connections.
My life and status is complicated. I am antisocial, but I am so much more. I am not a caricature and I am a human with my own wants and needs. It makes it difficult at times to admit this, due to my narcissism, but ultimately I am growing older and I have little to show for it. Restraint can only get me so far; those others around me want more from a friend or paramour than simply a person that doesn’t commit arson on a daily basis. They want someone that can reciprocate feelings and that can rely on themselves as much or more than they rely on their support network. I may bounce with my rapid cycling variant of Bipolar Disorder, and I may be a self-centered parasite, but ultimately it is my responsibility to forge those relationships that I desire. The alternative is continued and self-imposed torture.