Torture

I’ve said most everything there is to say on the subjects of ASPD and psychopathy at this point.  When the sinner chooses restraint, there is only so many insights that can be gleaned.  Rather than closing up shop, however, I’ve decided to poke deeper into my own psyche and to write on those experiences that are strictly my own.  The “lessons” may not be easily generalized, but I still believe that there could be merit in such writing.  I will continue to write specifically on psychopathy as insights are revealed to me, but I do not wish to succumb to radio silence.

I live a lonely life.  I’m not sure whether this is due to my self-loathing from years of childhood abuse, my misanthropy that is fueled by my ASPD and psychopathy, or the fact that my Bipolar disorder makes me much needier than I would like to admit.  Whatever the reason, my life is spent physically alone with only those virtual connections giving me any meaning or purpose in an interconnected sense.  This does distress me.  I may not believe in equality (as I reign supreme relative to those around me), but I do believe in having interpersonal connections.

My life and status is complicated.  I am antisocial, but I am so much more.  I am not a caricature and I am a human with my own wants and needs.  It makes it difficult at times to admit this, due to my narcissism, but ultimately I am growing older and I have little to show for it.  Restraint can only get me so far; those others around me want more from a friend or paramour than simply a person that doesn’t commit arson on a daily basis.  They want someone that can reciprocate feelings and that can rely on themselves as much or more than they rely on their support network.  I may bounce with my rapid cycling variant of Bipolar Disorder, and I may be a self-centered parasite, but ultimately it is my responsibility to forge those relationships that I desire.  The alternative is continued and self-imposed torture.

Tranquilizer
Paradox

Comments

  1. Anonymous says

    If you want to forge those relationships, then you should continue treatment. I know trust and respect do not just puff into our minds in a blink of an eye (and I’m sure that it also didn’t happen right there when you first met your therapist). Ask your therapist to recommend someone. Give it a try. You can always quit at any time.

    • FNP says

      Finding a therapist that will actually make any attempt to talk with a psychopath is next to impossible. It’s an endless circle of recommendations usually.

      • Anonymous says

        “Next to impossible is perhaps an exaggeration – after all, she found one. Other psychopaths are also able to find therapists. And discontinue treatment just because the person won’t try to find a therapist because of negative expectations is simply dumb (not saying it’s her case).

        • FNP says

          Speaking from personal experience here. I got referred around to 17 different therapists before finding one that would even meet more than once with me. While I can’t speak for how it is for BPD + ASPD, it’s next to impossible to get a therapist willing to work with NPD + ASPD.

          • Anonymous says

            Your experience is just that: your experience. As I said, other psychopaths are able to find therapists (some even more than one). And if she wants/needs to be treated, then she should go for it. If she can’t find one after trying hard, only then there’s a reason to quit.

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