The past couple of weeks have taught me much. The relationship I thought I had with the person I thought it was with is no more, but I have learned much about the nature of trust. For most of my life, I have lived by the creed of “trust no one“. After all, it is very difficult to trust when you know of what you yourself are capable of. As with empathy, trust means placing a part of you into the hands of another, but rather than feel their pain you are banking on their own abilities. However, does not such an approach cheapen the lives of the mistrustful and those around her? One can go, for all intents and purposes, solo and still place their faith in another for supplementary reasons. If the wall of the loner is to be broken, trust must be employed eventually. The alternative is to drown in solitude.
Sure, the outcome may have not been desired, but during that short time I learned what it is like to let go and place oneself into the net of another. I had never done such during any point in my life and I spent many of my therapy sessions over the past two weeks learning to let go of my own control freak nature. I wanted to test drive what it was like to be a responsible human being in terms of interpersonal interactions. I learned to control my Borderline splitting (at least in terms of mitigating the severity and consequences of such splitting) and to embrace the possibility that another human being was acting in good faith. Sure, they were not acting in good faith, but I have no regrets. I was taken for a ride because of my trust and eventually the scam of the other person became apparent, but I hold no shame.
I don’t believe it need be impossible to break down the walls that surround the antisocial. I saw firsthand what it was like to live in a free and trusting state. Yes, that trust will certainly be abused at some point, but what of the connections that could be made should it not be so sorely misplaced? At nearly thirty years old, I’m growing up. I’m learning what it is like to be part of an interconnected web of human lives. And, as far as I can tell, such a web is preferable to the damning solitude that exists otherwise. Many would close themselves off when their trust has been proven to be misplaced; not I. I want to believe that I will trust again, possibly be burned again, but ultimately see myself as something bigger than myself. I have much to learn in the coming weeks and months about reconciling such a desire with my own narcissistic ways, but I don’t believe that they have to be in opposition. To get the thorn out of its paw, even the lion had to trust another.