Working is a sore subject for most psychopaths. We are insatiable bored, yet we rarely feel the need to fill such boredom with activities that are not of our own choosing. I’m sure that we all recognize that we need money and that employment is a recognizable source of income, but we are also torn by our damnable state of ennui. “I need something to do, but not that“, I’d imagine the psychopathic reader thinking to themselves. We want to reap a harvest but we do not want one bead of sweat to drip from our brows.
My therapist often remarks about the need for structured time in my life. I, like many psychopaths, find that my willingness to engage in antisocial or otherwise destructive behavior is exacerbated during times in which I have nothing to do. As such, I try to fill my days with relative routine in order to self-regulate. Work is an excellent source of structured time and it has the benefit of paying. Why then are we so opposed to honest labor? It goes back to a key point I made in the first paragraph. Structured time is not enough to satisfy the psychopath. We may be able to recognize the effect such time has on our self-regulatory processes, but ultimately if the activity at hand is not enjoyable and sustainable, then we drift off, masochistically embracing the ennui that we tell ourselves that we are running from.
I haven’t found a proper solution to this dilemma. I am employed but I find it far more difficult than the neurotypical to keep my mind and my hands on the projects that work demands. Each day I find it a little easier to go through the motions, but ultimately that is all I am doing: going through the motions. I’ve been asked by family multiple times whether a change in scenery would change things, but ultimately I am certain it would not. I need something to do, but not that.