Paradox

These are strange times for me.  I’ve met a very lovely young woman and we are working to determine what kind of interpersonal relationship we may have in the future.  Do I remain honest with her?  Do I slip into my deceitful and treacherous ways?  At what point do I begin to hold myself accountable for my actions and at what point do I return to my natural state?  She knows of my psychopathy, yet sticks around – which makes it, paradoxically, easier to remain open and honest.

I know that my past must be honored, as I cannot escape it.  But, I also know that the past has not worked for me.  Just as I lost many acquaintances with my transgender status, I’ve lost many to my past indifference and callousness.  So many could not deal with the disorders that I live with, and I cannot say that I necessarily blame them.

These are strange times, indeed.  The lone wolf is actually enjoying the company of another.  I suppose that this is akin to my mantra of showing restraint.  Ultimately, restraint allows the psychopath to avoid severe punishment for reckless behaviors.  Holding myself accountable may allow me to keep the company of others.  The two are not in opposition and, in fact, are complementary.  I’ve written many times that the psychopath can honor themselves by being far from apologetic regarding their lack of empathy, but that he does have a responsibility to be prosocial in a society that demands it.

I don’t fully understand where this young woman may take me or not.  However, I fully understand the paradox that I am in contract with.  I am antisocial, yet I must be honest.  I tend to fail to take responsibility, but I must hold myself accountable.  The past has not worked for me, but I have been given a chance to shape the future.

Torture
Exorcism

Comments

  1. M says

    So, she knows you’re a psychopath. And you say you must be honest.
    Does she know that you’re sexually aroused by blood and dead things ,and that your favourite type of porn involves knives and a lot of blood? Does she know you sel-harm on a more or less regular basis and that, if she tries to leave you there’s a good chance that you’ll self-harm and attempt suicide to manipulate her, like you did to your ex-husband? Or are you planning on telling her?

    [Not using rhetorics – just asking honest questions.]

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