Relationships have been on my mind a lot lately. I’ve been torn between seeking a more traditional relationship where there are expectations of love, emotional bonding, and care and those relationships that I’d be more likely to succeed with. I’ve listed what is needed for the former. However, I have begun to think of the latter as something a bit beyond my analogy of potted plants, although not by much. The relationship that I am most likely to succeed in involves mutual indifference yet a commitment by the other to “buy in” in order to work.
What I visualize as an ideal relationship involves two individuals committed for their own personal success, rather than success of the other. I imagine coming home from work, having dinner, talking briefly about shared interests, and then going my separate way for the evening until I eventually come to bed, where my partner resides. Maybe we would provide sexual gratification for one another, maybe we would have an agreement to have our sexual conquests on the side (or both). I would provide for them in some fashion and they would reciprocate, presumably in a different, although equally tangible, area. At no point would we delude ourselves with concepts of romance or love. It would simply be two individuals exercising a domestic contract to ensure that individual needs are met.
However, I have not figured out one key part of such a contract. How does the relationship exist and grow without devolving into parasitism? How can I ensure that the person I am providing for does not leave unexpectedly? How can they ensure that I won’t do the same? Maybe there are no guarantees – which makes my Borderline self uneasy. Maybe both parties can come to an agreement that does not result in mutually assured destruction. I don’t know the answer to this conundrum.
The psychopath cannot be expected to show genuine love. Possession comes close, but ultimately I want a relationship of pseudo-equals. I want to give with an expectation of receiving. I want a partner that I can tolerate and possibly even enjoy. However, enjoyment cannot be enough. For an atypical relationship such as I propose, there must be a glue that binds the two together. We won’t be bound by our heartstrings, that is for certain.