I’ve been quiet for a few days as a sudden and sharp bipolar downturn combined with my Borderline Personality Disorder firing at its worst left me more or less non-functional. I scheduled an emergency session with my therapist in order to protect myself from myself. When I am both depressed and self-multilating, the probability of a particularly bad outcome is much higher than zero. Triage was applied and I’m doing better now, but the whole reason I bring all of this up is due to one exchange in particular that she and I had.
She mentioned that in the future, that possibly we could avoid such emergency sessions if I was truly resolved to stay alive. She reiterated that if one is committed to staying alive, then any challenge can be faced and any amount of time can elapse without intentional death being a possibility. She seemed perplexed at my response to such a passing mention, however. I am not resolved to living under any circumstances; in fact I fully plan to avoid the aging process in full by ending my own life near my fiftieth birthday should I live that long. I want an option to avoid pain and I cherish the fact that ultimately I hold the power when determining whether I live or die (for the most part). It’s interesting however, I hold her stance when it comes to the psychopath exercising restraint: the psychopath that vows to remain (mostly) prosocial has no need to fear consequences for their status in a society that does not punish thought crime. I have little sympathy for those that wish to allow themselves antisocial chaos just as my therapist had little sympathy for my insistence that I keep suicide as an always-present option.
Just as I – most likely – will make a suicide attempt one day because I am not resolved to live, the psychopath that is not resolved to remain in society’s good graces will likely push the envelope with behavior that is contradictory to the will of society. By allowing any option to remain open, the odds of that option being executed must be non-zero. I can stare at my wrists, razor in hand, for hours only to eventually relent and sleep, but because I allow myself the possibility of slashing those wrists, the probability that I will one day do such is not negligible. The psychopath that eyes up another on the street, imagining her blade in their back faces a similar possibility if they do not separate fantasy from possibility. In this sense, my disconnect between my own willingness to die and another’s willingness to commit crime is realized. I can’t understand why one would allow any possibility of being thrown at the mercy of the justice system, just as my therapist cannot fathom why I simply won’t contract with living.
Are you on meds? If so, do they usually work?
I’m on a suite of psychotropics and they work only marginally. My Bipolar is highly resistant.
Why do you want to avoid aging by killing yourself at an age that is not that propense to pain?
Honestly, I don’t wish to live beyond my current capabilities. I want to remain young and vibrant. The idea of aging sickens me, and I’m having enough difficulties accepting the few gray hairs that I have. It’s illogical, but it’s my reality. And so I shall die before it becomes too big of a problem.
I know you won’t commit to stay alive, but there are other options to keep you young (well, more or less) for more than the time expected (modern medicine does wonders). You should just explore that a bit.
🙂
In places where the terminally ill have access to legal assisted suicide, fewer of them actually catch the bus. It’s knowing they have the option that is the real comfort, and the real mercy.
I think that for most of us who’ve had suicidal thoughts and ideations, that holds true as well. The bigger danger comes from banishing the thoughts as though they were something to be afraid of, as though they have the power to make us act against our own will. The whole, “don’t think about a green elephant” phenomenon. I have personally had far more success in controlling my own urges to violence against myself and others by owning the thought, recognizing it for what it is and is not, and then dismissing it. It’s only when I try to suppress, ignore, deny, wall off, and avoid that I find myself in any real danger.
I fully support your current plan, and not in any “want you to die” sort of way—-I believe in very, very little, but I do adamantly believe that each and every one of us has the right to die when and how we choose, regardless of how much anyone else might think you have to “live for.” I would absolutely hate to see the person you’ve fought like hell to become lost to dementia, and not least because the extraordinary will and resolve with which you restrain your antisocial tendencies would almost certainly not survive that kind of cognitive degeneration, and that would be an utter goddamn shame.
Until then, stay well 🙂