DxSTORTION

My therapist often reminds me of my distorted thinking.  I tend to assume the worst case scenario when presented with any situation.  Whether it is my fate after returning to work after an extended leave of absence or my own ability (or inability) to recover from foolish financial decisions, I often believe that the worst case scenario is the probable scenario regardless of any evidence for or against such an outcome.  Combine this with the Borderline’s black and white thinking, and I live in a perpetual state of both nihilism and pessimism.  I believe that such cognitive distortions are a result of many facets of my personality, most notably the aforementioned Borderline Personality Disorder and, to a large extent, my psychopathy.

I’ve written before about how my antisocial nature makes it difficult to trust someone.  However, I also believe it leads to distorted and catastrophic thinking as well.  I do believe that there is an association between positive outcomes in a group setting and the empathy of the members therein.  Yes, it is possible that the psychopath could gain an advantage within such a dynamic by using underhanded means, but I’ve written extensively about my own relative restraint in this and other areas.  If I am showing external restraint (that is, restraint toward negatively affecting others) but not internal restraint (self-consistency and survivability – most notably a resistance to impulsivity), then what would I be likely to assume?  If I’ve dug my hole due to my lack of internal restraint and I become subject to the powers of others, what would I expect?  I would expect them to toss me aside just as I would toss myself aside if I had to deal with me the way that others do.

To an extent, this could be a potential challenge for the relatively prosocial psychopath.  Or, it could be a peculiarity of my own complex personality.  I am not certain.  However, I do believe that the restrained psychopath finds herself in a strange land when she has willingly hamstrung herself and is at the mercy of others.  If she cannot coerce or manipulate others into healing her mobility, why would she ever expect another to not go for the kill when she herself would do such in her former glory?

Paralysis
My Drugs, My Withdrawal

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