In Deep … The Price of Discourse

I have many motives for writing on the topics of ASPD and psychopathy.  As I enter my 18th month of conceptual continuity with my blog and continue to see exponential growth with readership, the journey is (almost) humbling.  I want to be a source for discourse regarding antisocial personalities.  I don’t necessarily owe it to anyone, but having been through (and continuing to go through) therapy, diagnosis of ASPD, and assessment of psychopathy via the therapist’s use of the PCL-R, I’m in a position I would have never imagined two or three years ago.  I am an intellectual antisocial individual with the resources available to allow for candid conversation regarding one of the more taboo subjects in the human experience.  However, it is interesting to note the price I pay for such discourse.  While not meaning to turn this post into a narcissistic cluster, I do think that the effect of discourse on the one speaking is an interesting topic and one that should be explored.

Yes, there is a degree of ego stroking that inherently comes with the territory.  While these posts, the book I’m shopping, and the forums are a labor of love designed to promote discourse on a subject ruled by the forensic psychologist, criminologists, and scorned lovers of the world, I would be lying if I said there was no elevation of my own spirits from such discourse.  It is important to note this for full disclosure and to remain transparent in a world that demands that I reside in the shadows.

That said, what is the price I am paying for focusing on the condition each and every day?  I tend to write daily posts – except when I am sick – and with the advent of the forums, I need to be involved there as well.  I spend my days thinking about what insights to share in the evenings.  I spend my nights platforming on various social media outlets to help strengthen my “package” for proper publication purposes.  Yes, I have a life outside of this site and my musings, but a significant amount of time is spent on the subjects of ASPD and psychopathy with not much resembling a breather.  Am I more likely to drop my mask when I am in deep at all times?  Am I more likely to bring chaos wherever I go as a result?  As my therapist is fond of saying, “if you focus on not thinking of pink elephants, you immediately think of pink elephants”.  By being engaged with my thoughts and my readers, I am automatically more attuned to my antisocial ways.  So far, I’ve kept most things under control since the ASPD diagnosis and psychopathy assessment, but would it be easier if I wasn’t so engaged all the time? I’m not sure.

On the other hand, it is quite possible that such engagement on my end could be strengthening my own defenses against a condition that consumes so many.  Possibly by being focused on the way it manifests in me and the strategies I employ to remain free and in the good graces of society, I condition myself to be more resilient toward temptations of overtly antisocial behavior.  I’m not sure.

I’ve strived to be transparent with this entire process.  I believe I owe it to both antisocial and neurotypical reader that chooses me as an outlet for information on the subject.  My words are infinitely stronger as a result, but my “soul” may be continuing to wither as a result.  This is ultimately the life I choose and I don’t see any changes to this path in the near future.  I must simply continue to exercise restraint even as I dig deeper into my own psyche as a result of being so engrossed all the time.

For my readers of whom spend their days living the condition and learning about it, how do you respond?  Do you feel more likely to “act out” as a result of being so focused on the antisocial and macabre, or do you find that it ultimately is an outlet to channel some of that antisocial energy?

Unrelated, but equally important, I wish to thank everyone that is helping with discourse either via the comments, the forums, or direct communication with me.  These notes and posts that you willingly write help energize me.  Keep up the good work.

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