Ultrapower

It seems that everyone and their dog wants to be ASPD and/or psychopathic these days.  Browsing the ASPD and psychopathy tags on Tumblr is a test of fortitude as most entries tagged with those have nothing to do with the condition, much less are made by those with the condition.  It seems that “antisocial” has become the new gothic or any other trendy fad.  It’s especially concerning given the number of teenagers that are gravitating toward the condition.  Rather than legitimately having the condition, they make up narratives and symptoms in order to claim it for their own.  Too many think that antisocial minds convey superpowers.  While there are benefits to being antisocial, there are as many or more drawbacks.  Those that are clamoring to join the ranks of the antisocial are often missing this point and destroying themselves in the process.

I believe there are two main characteristics that the wannabe antisocial looks towards as superpowers: the ability to manipulate / take by force and the lack of empathy that we possess.  It is true that there are benefits to be had through our use of Machiavellian measures.  We are never to want.  Combined with our lack of empathy, the world is at our fingertips.  However, just because we can have nearly anything that we want, given that we are not prone to feel guilt or remorse over our actions and thus can suck the world dry while others stand still, that does not mean that our lives are any richer than that of the neurotypical.  Maybe we do not feel the pain that others feel when they are troubled, but we also do not feel their joy.  Being unable to connect to another with such empathic emotionality, we are often isolated in the grand game of life.  But the drawbacks go further than this.

What of our lack of goals (specific to the psychopath)?  What is life if there is no endgame?  What of our impulsivity?  How many troubles, financial or otherwise, have been caused by our reckless need for instant gratification?  What of the emotional color of life that we miss out on?  Many neurotypicals would find this lack of richness and foresight to be intolerable.  Who would gladly choose to live a life that is constantly adrift and in turmoil when they could maintain the status quo that neurotypicals enjoy?  Who would sacrifice their identity to embrace a condition that often comes without?

Do not misunderstand me.  Having only experienced life through these psychopath’s eyes, I would take nothing else.  Yes, I would like to ascertain goals and rein in my impulsivity, but I do not feel that I am missing much with my core deficit: that of empathy.  These are not ultra powers to me, they are merely the lenses through which I view myself and the world around me.  As if I was born blind, I can only experience this life through the abilities that I natively possess.  I may see in monochrome, but my sight is as clear as any.

But to the neurotypical that clamors for this sight of mine, why would you give up your own standing in the world for such?  Would you really trade the ability to feel the joy of another human being?  To be close and attached to another person?  Would you sacrifice your savings and well-being in the name of recklessness?  Or, are you merely trying to grasp on to what has become the current zeitgeist?  To the neurotypical reading this, if the answer is yes, let’s chat.  I want to know what you find so alluring when you surely know the price of admission.

My life is not one of ultrapowers.  I would prefer that I’m not fetishized for the double-edged sword that my condition comes with.

 

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Comments

  1. Lune says

    I don’t understand why people want to be things they aren’t. It seems to fit into the sjw or tumbleret sense that being othered makes them special. Especially if no none can understand them, doubly so if they can claim victim status somehow.

    I’ve had a shrink try and diagnosis me with bipolar disorder. A new bipolar med had just come out, and like previous attempts to get insomnia meds I was given a partial diagnosis of whatever condition had just been gifted with new medication.

    Years later a fellow trans who was diagnosed with aspd as a child put my bipolar in a different way. She said I cycle from aspd to empathic. I have never felt guilt for things I do when I’m acting as what others would call “evil”. Even when I have moments of empathy, I don’t look back and feel guilt. Often I look back with glee or pleasure on past deeds.

    I do have moments of empathy though. It’s actually frustrating because in these moments I feel normal or connected. They are few and far between though.

    I wish I had it one way or the other. I don’t care which either. They cycling and knowing when I’m in either I’m missing the benefits of the other mind set.

    When I can’t connect to people, it doesn’t bother me. When I become empathetic I realize that the connections bring some pleasure. When I move from empathetic to an aspd mindset, I am highly annoyed by the few connections I have. In those moments I’m not connected to them, and they are nothing more than a bother. They get in my way, and expect things that I can’t give them. This is highly annoying. It’s at this point I often point out their worthlessness.

    When I become empathetic, I feel no guilt over the harm I caused them, but notice they aren’t there. So my empathetic self misses them, yet feels no compunction to make amends, it’s not my fault they have glaringly worthless faults. They should be able to see them with a critical eye the way I see mine.

    I’m not sure I explained this well.

    • J. Kelly says

      This intrigues me. Bouts of irritability perhaps? I have no reason to doubt what you have written, but I’m unaware of any disorder that causes a duality between empathy and callousness. That said, I also believe that humans are bloodthirsty by heart, so maybe you are merely more honest with this fact than most?

      • Lune says

        Honest about it is interesting, as I’m far more prone to lying. Lies have alwayse come naturally to me. The idea that it could be a different form of bipolar was only recently brought to my attention. I’ve taken countless tests online and come out aspd all the time. There are multiple confirmed diagnoses from my biological father’s side. For those undiagnosed many suspect everyone else is.

        The only reason I’ve avoided seeking help about it is two fold. One, the degrees I seek require DoD clearance, and I can fake being normal on any test. It’s not hard to pretend to be normal. I’ve heard multiple sources that say aberrant mind sets are turned down for DoD clearance. The other, shrinks just annoy me. I can think boxes around most people. If I can do that, I am easily annoyed by their presence, and point out their worthlessness. It’s hard to sit through a session with someone you find worthless. I’ve had an uncle choke me unconscious, lifting me by my neck to the ceiling, because as I kid I used to make adults weep after pointing out how worthless they are. My aunt had 3 volumes of diaries tracking the things I’d say and do. I say the words “I love you” because it makes my family happy, which gets them to leave me alone. I don’t think I love them. I like them, but I don’t know if I love them the same way they mean when they say it.

        It’s also one of the reasons why I haven’t gone in to be confirmed as having gender dysphoria. For that though, I plan on going in soon. As much as I suspect I will think they are a waste of existence. I can look at them as a tool. A tool to give me the diagnosis I seek to go on HRT.

        I know it seems weird, as cycling between the two seems absurd. Particularly as others haven’t encountered this before. It’s also hard explaining what’s going on in my head. Sort of how my friend can support that I’m trans, but she can never understand what it’s truly like.

        I do know the first emotions I felt were in my 20s. My aunt said she noticed a change in me. It was after one GF broke up with me, she said she wanted to give her a hug, because she didn’t think I’d ever be able to feel emotions.

        I do find it interesting even when I feel emotions now, I don’t feel guilt over the selfish things I’ve done. When I’m non emotional I’m completely void. I’m able to mimic emotions, because the only good thing by biological father gave me was the ability to con people. I’m a great conwoman.

        There are a few friends that can see the void, and they actual have the goal of making me “good”. In D&D terms they say I’m neutral evil, they leaned towards chaotic, as I’m random. I protect my hide over all else though. A chaotic person willingly will let themselves die to commit evil. Sure I’ll get in trouble, seeking that which gratifies me. I’ll even put my life in jeopardy, but that’s in the pursuit of pleasure. Not to harm others. If others get harmed in the pursuit of my pleasure, oh well.

        It would be nice to be one or the other. This fence straddling that my cycles cause is annoying. I don’t even have a preference either way. I mean being aspd has led to some great times, but it’s fleeting at best. I simply don’t care which way the pendulum stops. It would just be nice if it did. I’d even settle for knowing, understanding, and controlling it. The joys of being emotional, are just as good as the pure self gratification I receive when I’m cycling to what my friends would call evil. They are each different types of pleasure. Controlling it would be nice because it would just be another tool in my tool box. As well as helping me understand myself. The closest I can come to controlling it, is when I’m conning someone. I can fake emotion like no one’s business. Having to learn happy face, sad face, and the like has led me to study people and their emotions. I don’t alwayse feel what they feel, but I can fake it, and use that to manipulate them.

        Thankfully this is anonymous, because I do know the dangers of admitting I’m potentially AS.

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