My arrogance will one day be my downfall. How I’ve managed to escape serious punishment for the shenanigans I enact is beyond comprehension. My unethical and dangerous behavior has been mitigated by a relative acceptance of restraint, but I still find myself pushing the envelope with behaviors that can only catch up with me. Parasitism and recklessness are my lifeblood. I realize that they do not need to be, but I can’t help but continue to tempt fate. If I do not abstain in full, I realize that I will one day be some combination of dead, incarcerated, or destitute, but I don’t feel such possibilities. What I cannot feel is left to the realms of my logical mind and this logical mind is tainted with an arrogance challenged by none.
My therapist once asked me if I realized that I would die one day. The question caught me off guard. Of course I will die. My body will feed the worms that live underground and I will cease to exist. She would later confide that she was merely checking the bounds of my arrogance. When she asked similar questions of whether I believed that I could end up in jail or on the streets, I merely laughed. Such questions were incomprehensible. Those fates are for those that are less intelligent than I; those are destinies for those not merely as adept at dodging bullets as myself. I have not been burned yet by my actions save the occasional sabotaged interpersonal relationship, so how could I possibly be subject to such inconveniences in the future? After all, I’ve gotten this far in my nearly thirty years, wouldn’t I have failed by now if I were destined to do so?
I’ve championed restraint as essential to the psychopath’s freedom, but I understand all too well how difficult it is to relinquish the behaviors that comprise the psychopath’s arsenal. Restraint may be a great goal to strive for, but I am cognizant that the arrogant mind sees no use for it. When one slips through the shadows undetected for so long, how can the concept of being caught resonate? I tell myself that I am showing restraint, but really it is merely relative. Rather than being overtly callous and otherwise antisocial, I find more subtle ways. Rather than “acting out” daily, I find that I slip less frequently. My restraint is relative to the state that I once lived in.
Relative restraint is not enough however; the punishment for continued irresponsibility, arrogance, and antisocial behavior is breathing down my neck. I still cannot feel the inevitability of such, but my reckoning day is coming if I continue to believe that I am above the retribution of society and others. No matter how much I believe that I am invincible, I must defer to my logical mind no matter how tainted it is with narcissism and arrogance. These skin and bones may be destined for a wooden box, but I can ensure that I avoid the cold floors of jail and the streets. I have to accept that what I cannot feel is still real.