I remember in college when I agreed to see a therapist, briefly, regarding my inability to connect with my then paramour. My girlfriend and I were both confused as to why I simply could not empathize with her or otherwise connect in the way that most neurotypicals can with their significant other. I relayed my cold and calculated view of the world and my general inability to care about others and was misdiagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome. A few of the traits made sense, but the diagnosis did not to seem to fit very well. In order to have peace of mind, I began molding my behavior to that of the AS sufferer. I deceived myself into believing the diagnosis was true.
I am certain of my current diagnosis of psychopathy. The therapist that I employ presently can see through my bullshit and waffling and I trust that the assessment’s confirmation of psychopathy is accurate. There will always be a nagging feeling though. What if I am that good at deceiving my therapist and myself? What if I wanted an explanation so badly that I’ve retrofitted memories to justify the assessment’s conclusion? No, I suspect that my therapist is too good to let that happen and that I am being as objective as possible with this lengthy stint of therapy. The point I wish to make however, is that it need not be only others that the psychopath deceives. She may deceive even herself. Every spider must walk its own web as well, after all.
A former acquaintance summed it up best. “The best lies are those that even you begin to believe.” Deception is an art. One can spin as many lies as possible and see what shit sticks to the walls or they can embrace a character that becomes part of them. They become a brilliant actor, connecting the lies in such a fashion to where others cannot see where truth begins and ends, merely believing that all must be truth. The character consumes the actor and the actor and character become inseparable. The psychopath is at her finest when she becomes the lie that she spins.
That said, the psychopath must always remember her intentions and desires. If the psychopath deceives even himself, then lessons learned are lost to the ages. No, I am more comfortable with this diagnosis because I know my motives now. I want to know myself better today than I did yesterday. I am unconcerned with what name my personality may take. Most importantly, I wish to use my gifts in a manner that will ensure that I am always on top of the food chain. Losing myself within my own lies will not further that goal. Yes, I may walk the web that I spin, but I need not become stuck in its silk as my prey does.