I have a disconnect between my intellectual view of myself and my feeling states toward myself. Intellectually, I realize that, by sheer probability alone, I cannot be the best at anything. However, I feel and know that I am superior in nearly everything. Cunning. Intelligence. Scheming. I am the best of the best. Or so I tell myself and so I believe on some level. Combined with my self-centeredness, I am a megalomaniac. I am a better human being, not because of my psychopathy, but rather because of the innate gifts that I possess.
This makes the nature of discourse tricky at times. As I mentioned, I have an intellectual disconnect between my feeling state and my “objective” analysis of my worth. How can I truly be objective with my words if there is always self-grandiosity hiding behind the veneer? How can I adequately describe my self-grandeur when such a disconnect exists?
The topic of self-grandiosity is difficult to write about because of this disconnect. I can be more objective with my writing than my actions, however. In real life, if you met me, you would see the swagger that I carry myself with. I am the center of attention because I deserve it. You will hang on my every word because of my confidence. Combined with my innate charm, you will be enthralled. The narcissism of the psychopath is unrivaled. I simply happen to have a more intellectual mind than most.
I will always continue to live with such a disconnect. My swagger and my actions will match the heightened levels of humanity that I believe I belong in. My intellectual mind realizes that maybe I’m a bit off with my assessment. Regardless, I will move forward, always chasing the levels of grandeur that I believe I deserve but, most likely, never quite reaching that pinnacle that I strive for.