Fixer

One of the most unsatisfying aspects of the psychopathic condition is the ennui that is present as a result.  Everything is tedious and relatively little satisfies for more than mere moments.  No sense of accomplishment is enough to fuel the megalomania.  No thrill is enough to relieve the boredom.  Nothing is measurable in terms of enduring satisfaction.   When others say they are bored, they often mean that they merely wish to read a book or do some other activity than that which they are currently engaged in.  No, psychopathic “boredom” is much worse.  There seems to be literally nothing to fill the void of our minds’ creation.

I am determined to gain something from this life however.  I’m not one to race toward the worm-riddled wooden box at the end of this life.  I’m in no hurry to leave even if I have little reason to stay.  So, I’ve been left to find a purpose for this life: something that excites and something worthy of my own deep-seated narcissism.  And, maybe I’ve found that purpose if only I can realize it.

My purpose lies in my writing and the discourse that it creates.  I want to see others educated on this misunderstood condition that I live with day in and day out.   I want to see my psychopathic brothers and sisters thrive rather than rot in jail or in the ground – if only because they are the only people that I can truly relate to.  Most importantly, I want to help lead the charge in order to honor my own narcissism.  I realize that my work has the potential to ripple far outside the pleasure within my own head.  And, I realize that these echoes into the future serve both my need for purpose and for legacy.

I’ve done drugs, dominated many, and had many a thrill, but it is time to settle down and seek a fixer that will last for more than mere minutes.  Maybe I will find that which I feel I deserve or maybe I will fall.  At the very least, my words have the potential to travel far beyond the satisfaction that I seek in the moment.  I know that it already has based on the feedback of my readers.  I’ve cut the brake line on this ride; it is time to see just how far I can go.

Amnesia
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Comments

  1. says

    “I’ve dominated many, and had many a thrill, but it is time to settle down and seek a fixer that will last for more than mere minutes. Maybe I will find that which I feel I deserve or maybe I will fall.”

    Loving these lines! They’re so poetic. And I can totally relate to them. I too need a thrill that’s constant, or at least a situation where I don’t have to go looking for/creating thrills or wait around until opportunities fall into my lap, usually because someone else wants to stir the shit. I don’t want to be dependent on others’ whims for making my life interesting. Maybe I’ll find this thrill-stability, or more likely my plans will fail, but at least I’ll have given it a shot and I’ll be satisfied.

    I’m reading through your blog and it’s really interesting. You’re also a very good writer- I’ve read plenty of blogs which have lots of grammatical mistakes even though they’re written by writers! xo

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