Too often it seems that if I take any step away from where I am, then I am destroyed by the flying debris around me. To show restraint as a psychopath is to stand in the eye of the hurricane; any deviation from the center can only end in complete mayhem. Restated, there is no “partial restraint”. Either the psychopath is focusing all of his energy on the restraint needed to remain in good graces or he slips into his ruinous ways. From what I’ve seen, we go big or go home.
It is difficult to remain in a relatively prosocial state because my mind is constantly evaluating and reevaluating potential advantage. I want to bleed others dry. I want to gain power through any means necessary. That said, those desires must remain in the mind in order to truly walk a path of restraint. Just as the center of the hurricane moves with the storm, a psychopath’s restraint must move with the conditions around him. It’s difficult, but I know all too well how a slip-up in one place leads to a broken levy in another. A simple lie turns into thieving a five. Stealing a few dollars turns into a desire to ruin another’s life. And so on.
It’s difficult. I hate having to emulate the life of a neurotypical. I hate having to focus so much energy on restraint. It will never come naturally. There is no amount of practice that will make it come automatically for me. This frustration boils and, to beat the analogy dead, I fear that my worst destruction surrounds the relative peace through restraint just as the eyewall contains the strongest winds of the storm.
I have no choice, however. I can remain true to myself in my mind, but I must not let the fangs show through. Society gives no do-overs for those deemed irredeemable. All I can do is spend my energies on practicing the ways of the sheep even though my fangs and mind portend my existence as a wolf. I must stay within the walls around me and resist the urge to tear them down voraciously. And, the difference between success and failure is the the thinnest of lines – the smallest of spaces.