The realization that I am psychopathic shattered many of my dreams in life but also created hope for many more. I knew that I always skirted the ethics handed down by society? But didn’t everyone? I knew that my relationships were often one-sided and toxic. Aren’t everyone’s? I knew that I played fast and loose with obligations, but didn’t everyone as well? No. Not to the extent I did.
I could have never imagined that psychotherapy would take me to the realm of psychopaths and I am a much better person with this knowledge. Yet, I still long for the life I wanted. A spouse that I loved, kids that I cared for, a job that I enjoyed, meaningful human interactions with others. I don’t want to say that psychopathy need be a death sentence, but the realization was all too damning for me. I am the common denominator in all of these unrealized hopes and dreams. My psychopathic personality is what will prevent me from living the life of others.
Now lest the reader misunderstand me, yes, I may long wistfully for those things that I will never have, but I also feel that there are many facets of the neurotypical condition that I would never want to experience. The pain of losing a loved one. The hesitant nature of moving forward due to matters of conscience. The false joy of being near the elated. All of these facets seem equally shallow as my own limitations. Given that psychopathy is all that I know, I think that I’d rather take my way of living than theirs.
I feel that I merely need to reframe my expectations in life. Maybe I will never have a kid that I can love, so, therefore, I should not have kids at all. That seems reasonable. However, interpersonal relationships built on respect and a common understanding of emotional indifference need not be as damning as it may seem to the neurotypical. Many say that romance dies eventually for any relationship. Would it really be that bad to start a relationship based on the understanding going in that love will never be there to begin with?
Yes, many dreams were shattered with the confirmation of psychopathy, but many more dreams await in the wings. This is all that I will ever know and I need to make the most of it. I need not be a caricature of the psychopathic condition, but I also need not wear an eternal mask that does myself disservice. I merely need to reframe my expectations for this life and realize that just because some dreams are no more, I can still create the dreams that many others simply would not want.