Control – Revisited

The following comment was posted a while back and I wanted to wait until after the holiday to address it.

What if you can’t be in control, and others are able to have control? What feeling s are evoked in your at the idea of this hypothetical situation?

I experience this quite often as I am a control freak.  I am my most destructive in this scenario.  If someone has control, and I do not, I want to take from them that control with a vicious ferocity that is disproportionate to the control that they exert.  I will turn to any means necessary in order to regain my place on top, even if their control is not remotely related to my own state at the time.

This is most dangerously present when I am in the midst of bipolar swings or Borderline tantrums.  I feel that something is wrong – that I am not in control – and I don’t know what else to do except to unload on the nearest “sane” person around me.  I almost lost my therapist recently due to my flailing regarding regaining control.  I wanted to blame her for my lack of control when, in reality, no one held any fault.  She was merely a target.

Sometimes my search for control is much more vengeful.  At a previous employer, my then supervisor sought to exert control regarding my exit process.  He wanted to exert power and to punish me for leaving the company.  What he did not realize is that I can make my own control if I need to.  I would have rather been left alone, but when I am not in control – and am in a state of mind where I can be calculated – I will resort to any means necessary to regain the upper hand, including blackmail and sabotage.  Control is not everything.  It is the only thing.  I want it more than anything.

Image is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license..  Use of this image should not imply endorsement by the image author, abdallahh from Montréal, Canada.

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