Earlier this evening, a grandmother figure in my life passed away. When I was younger, my mother and father would often take my brother and I to visit her. She was always kind and welcoming and was extremely sharp for her elder age. This relative is one of the few that I do not have anything ill to say about.
The news broke while I was in therapy; I received a text message from my brother letting me know that the relative had died a few hours earlier. As a result, my therapist was able to see my raw, unmasked reaction. What she saw was a picture of pure indifference.
My thoughts were broken for a few minutes after I read the news. Rather than thoughts of sorrow or sadness, my mind became filled with calculation. How was my family reacting? Would I have to provide emotional “support” for them? How soon will I receive my inheritance? There were many thoughts, although none were specifically about the deceased.
I have been curious as to what my reaction would be to death these days. The price of life is death, and no one close to me has died (before tonight) in over a decade. Now that I am older and my mind is stable, what would the reaction be? Was I really as indifferent and as cold regarding the ultimate loss one can experience? Yes.
While others may have an immediate and visceral reaction to death, I do not. I can rationalize my thoughts by reminding myself that it simply is the price of life and that there is no point in wasting energy in wishing for necromancy, but the fact remains that I am simply incapable of such emotion.
I wonder what it would take for me to truly feel loss?