A friend tearfully called me earlier this evening, hoping that I could come over. A tragedy had befallen him – which I will not go into – and he needed someone to confide his troubles to. This friend does not, at this time, know that I am psychopathic and I spent the drive to his house wondering which mask I would put on and whether I even knew how to behave in such a situation anymore.
I can act the part when there is something in it for me. I can charm to get that which I want and I can feign sadness or concern when I know that I have no other choice. He and I are so close, however, that it was extraordinarily difficult to show the emotions that I am sure he wanted to see. I knew that it was in my best interest to show concern at appropriate moments and to attempt to shed tears at others, but that knowledge did not properly translate. In a sense, I have reverted to my standard bait and switch tactics with him. At one point, when the friendship was in its early stages, I may have worn my mask better. I simply could not give the effort this evening, though.
I stumbled through the motions, akin to the anglophone trying to trill ‘r’s for the first time. Thankfully, he had been drinking heavily, so I do not believe he noticed my insincerity, but it was a reminder that I am fundamentally different from the neurotypical. I do not feel bad that my efforts to console him were shallow. However, simply because I do not feel bad should not imply that it was not “concerning” on some level. I tolerate minimal bullshit and my acquaintances that I call ‘friends’ are few. I want to give him something to show my respect for him, but that “something” cannot be via empathy or strong emotion.
I do not believe the psychopath must be with complete disregard toward those in her life. She can show “concern” toward those that she respects, but the means in which that concern is shown must be different than that of the neurotypical. In the future, I probably will explain my psychopathic condition to the friend mentioned in this post. At that time I will also explain that my love and concern for him is shown through respect, not empathy, and that my acknowledgement of his impact in my life must be sufficient. I don’t know what else I can give.