I prefer to keep acquaintances, and the rest of society, guessing with my motives and proclivities. I reveal little about myself and even less about my thoughts. The careful ear may note that I am often contradictory, and careful eyes note that I often present subtly different images and personas based on the situation around me.
Many know me as many different personalities. They see both the caring individual and the hardened misanthrope. They see the compassion in my eyes and the blood on my teeth. I want them to be off-balance. I want others to have no idea who I am. It is not hiding so much as it is a constant state of misdirection. They have seen glimpses of my antisocial state and I want them to try and reconcile the contradictions and the ambiguity. The intelligent can determine where my masks begin and end, but most simply see a chaotic shapeshifter. In a way, it is often a game to see if others can see through me. It is a game that has the benefit of causing others to have no insight as to who I truly am.
This ambiguity extends beyond my personality. I have embraced an androgynous image, blurring the lines between male and female. I could not care less of the societal norms in place. I can be femme when there is benefit to be had, but I’d much rather live in a state of fluidity. As such, I prefer to blend elements of male and female for my physical representation. I want the ability to step in either gendered direction at any time. I do not want to be caged.
Maybe such a conscious approach to ambiguity and flexibility is a reflection of my own dizziness when it comes to the masks I wear. Maybe it is all merely for amusement – as I do enjoy watching the unnerved reactions of those around me when I intentionally slip out of character. More than likely, it is merely practicality. I want to have options at all times. I want to know that I can have my mask crack slightly without those around me running away. I also want no uninvited expectations of my gender presentation. The only expectation that I want, is for others to believe that they are dealing with wildfire – ever changing and potentially destructive. It may appear that you can contain the fire, but ultimately it dances and destroys to its own decree.