I am heavily involved in many things: work, this blog, the community over at Sociopath Street, and whatever else life throws at me.  I rarely am with downtime, but I even more rarely know exactly where I am going with everything.  When I try to imagine my future, I see nothing.  To clarify, it is not that my future holds nothing; it is that I cannot envision what it will hold and, more importantly, concrete steps on how to get there.

These past six months have been the most rewarding of my life.  I have learned more about myself than I could have ever imagined and I have communicated with many sociopaths that have knowledge that I could not have found on my own.  I know that I will continue to write and to maintain the sister site, but I have a long term plan for neither.  My one concrete goal in life, as I have always said, is to know myself better than the day before.  I am coming to realize that I desperately need to find the sight needed to envision other goals.

It is as if I am a racecar driver.  I know that there is a checkered flag off in the distance, but my view of the road is obscured as well as my knowledge of where the flag actually lies.  I drift, aimlessly, from street to street, not knowing where I am going, only that I should go somewhere.  I’m essentially playing the lottery of life:  random chance is the only thing that gets me to any sort of reward.

I need to articulate some sort of goal for this life.  Once I have a goal, I can begin mulling possible plans to reach that goal.  A goal without plans can only be reached by chance, and a plan without a goal will never succeed.

Violent Peace
No Fix to Find


  1. BT says

    Greetings –

    I have been mulling this statement from this page: “random chance is the only thing that gets me to any sort of reward.”

    I have pondered Greek philosophy – for lack of a better descriptor – for years. Therein is a concept of RESPECT, that basically has three levels:
    1) ‘Existence’ respect – the fact that I’m female, or your trans, or John is a Martian, should not cause us to treat each other differently when interacting.
    2) ‘Command’ respect – this is the idea that you are treated with respect because you are the boss, or the owner, or the Command Master Sargeant, or the expert – even if you’re a complete douchenozzle as a human being. If a person is not willing to treat the boss with the deference a boss garners, they should probably see alternative employment opptys.
    3) ‘Earned’ respect – this is the idea that by your actions – your kindness, attention to detail, expertise/skill, teamsmanship, etc.- you have EARNED respect from your peers.

    My experiences with my psychopathic acquaintance, and years of conversations, has concluded that he only WANTS ‘Command’ Respect – homage someone is REQUIRED to pay to him. Whereas for me, the only kind of Respect that even registers is ‘Earned’ Respect – frankly, I can BUY the other two, so they’re cheap and worthless and don’t mean diddly to me.

    There is a known reap-and-sow cycle, that even a psychopath could see/document/emulate. If your ACTIONS are Respect-worthy, you will EARN Respect. If they are not, the most you can hope for is Command respect.

    But even my psychopath acquaintance’s form of Command respect – one brought to life by lies, manipulation, broken trust – has a shelf life. People go to bat for folks who have earned their Respect, whereas they merely go to work for folks for whom they feel only command respect. Its a JOB, not a PASSION. Its like the chicken and the pig’s involvement in breakfast: the Chicken was ‘involved’, but the Pig was ‘committed’.

    So why is it that a psychopath would rather lie, weasel, manipulate, etc their way into any Respect, Control, etc they ever get, when with all the skills at their command that the NT’s don’t have, they could EARN IT all day long?

    What you EARN is enduring – what you take by trickery has a defined lifetime. And then there’s that part that you speak of, where the psychopath fears being found out – that he’ll even go to crazy lengths to provoke outbursts of his NT relationships in public, in an effort to ensure he can DISCREDIT her before others come to BELIEVE her.

    In the area of Respect, it is not RANDOM CHANCE that I have the respect of my family, peers, co-workers, and philanthropic affiliation peers – it is EARNED. Day in, day out, by the steadiness of my decision making, the thoroughness of my effort, the balanced approach meted out to the things in which I’m involved, with an effort to neither take advantage of anyone/situation, nor BE taken advantage of.

    You KNOW this is possible – that earning Respect IS NOT ‘random’ – and compared to the effort of starting over for another round of drumming up Command respect, until you’re found out, then another round, then another… It leaves no possibility for the OPPOSITE of ‘random’, which is a willful, determined, enduring composite of cohesive Actions, which earn Respect within the web of interrelationships formed by so doing.

    Hell, ya’ll, it’s not like I don’t think MANY of the same things as ya’ll – when I have to put out effort over and over in one area or another. But the COMPOSITE of how my Actions taken as a whole are viewed is what ENSURES that I Earn folks Respect, and keep it. Its not random, its willful, and deliberate actions to ENSURE I get validation by earning the Respect of peers whose opinions matter to me.

    How does a psychopath view that whole concept? Is it just too much work to earn respect? Does it take too long? Is the idea that you might screw up and blow it make it not worth the effort? Do you like command respect better anyway, because it feels more like ‘control’ and that’s got more value that ‘hero worship’? Is it just no big deal to start all over again with another round of lies, deceit and trickery to get what you want, rather than earning it and building on the reputation you’ve earned?

    I’d be interested in hearing what you, FNP, and others think about the effort of earning respect, maintaining it once you have it, and whether it’s even viewed as a positive, or just something that boring, don’t-do-much folks have, because of the time/effort it takes to create, and then to maintain. And your take on it particularly, as a way to stave off ‘randomness’ of outcome.


    • FNP says

      The Greek concept of respect as you’ve described is something completely different to the philosophy I agree with most. For instance, I see no reason that people must be treated the same regardless of their differences. I also don’t really see that “earned respect” has a basis in kindness or other similar traits.

      Sure, most people respect Gandhi and the Dalai Lama. But, at the same time, most people don’t really listen to anything they have to say. Very few people today respect the men whose ideology I follow, but very few would disagree that they were men that tens of millions listened to (and still do).

      However, keep in mind that PG and I are very different people. Yes, we are both psychopaths, but I’m not borderline or bipolar II. Every action I take is in pursuit of my goals, which don’t really involve around earning the respect of a few people. It’s more about commanding the respect of millions.

      I also very much doubt that you and I think the same things on virtually any issue. My way of thinking is very much influenced by my grandparents, who were both a) not Americans and b) members of the most-hated political movement of the 20th century. Not to mention the fact that my great-granduncle was one Franz Xaver Schwarz, and unlike most people of German heritage, I don’t wipe away the pinnacle of German civilization from my views.

      In short, I take my philosophical perspective from Nietzsche, Heidegger, and Alfred Rosenberg, not from Greeks who’ve been dead 2800 years and really had no impact on my cultural heritage. Respect, according to such a philosophy, is something gained by powerful men who use their power for their people.

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