I find that there are many reasons that I cannot connect with others on anything more than a superficial level. Most of the people I run into are neurotypicals and our differences regarding empathy and my relative lack of emotion and affection make anything more than utilitarian interpersonal relationships quite difficult. Neurotypicals are alien to I and myself to them. However, it is my complete distrust toward others that may be the fatal blow toward developing meaningful, and robust, intimate relationships. By intimacy, I do not necessarily mean romantic but, rather, a relationship in which each person is open with the other on a deep level – showing warts and all. Knowing where my proclivities lie, how can I do anything but assume that others could have that same general bent?
I realize that the vast majority of people on this earth do not meet the criteria for ASPD or are otherwise masters of deceit and deception as well as treachery. I can spot the ASPD individual from a mile away; I know what to look for. Given that I can identity the ASPD-spectrum person and that the odds overwhelmingly favor being in the presence of “good-willed” individuals, why cannot I trust? I believe my reasons are two-fold.
First, I believe it to be a survival response. I know what many humans are capable of. Why would I ever expose myself on any level unless I have calculated that there is no alternative? Why would I shed my armor when anyone could be carrying a concealed knife? The fact that the majority do not does not matter. I am constantly running calculations and recalculations to ensure that I am protected against any potential threat. That said, as I mentioned, sometimes there is no alternative. For instance, dropping my anonymity was extremely risky given the bloodlust that many neurotypicals and fellow ASPD persons / sociopaths could have for people like me. I don’t want to imply that I did so gleefully, but I realized that in order to further my writing and message, and given the situation I was thrust into, there was no other choice. Given my druthers, however, I would prefer to be in full plate.
The second reason is that I treat my condition as one of gamesmanship. Even if there is no physical or financial harm that could arise from making myself vulnerable through trust, there is the ever present possibility that my own position in the game could be compromised by another that could gain the upper hand via my trust. A bruised ego hurts no less than a black eye. It need not even be being beaten at a game currently played. I may have no desire to “play” with a person that might otherwise be deserving of my trust. One need not be active in the game in order to still be defeated, however.
I suspect that I will always have distrust toward others in general. Combined with my lack of respect for most human beings, I suspect my life will continue the same path that it always has: relatively alone, but at relative advantage. Given the choice between the two, I’d rather be in a position where I can strike if I want or must.