I wish I better understood what causes my anger and how to control it. My father beat me during my younger years when he and my mother weren’t neglecting me. Yet I feel no anger toward such, only apathy. I’ve had friends disappoint me only to cut them out of my lives and forget their transgressions within hours. Yet, the slightest misspeak by a confidant makes my blood boil to the point that I become an uncontrollable mass of potential destruction. Every nerve is on edge, my body feels like it is in fever, and my limbs tingle. I cannot slow matters down, but I know that no action I could possibly take right now would result in a beneficial outcome.
The thought of losing control of a game that I have willingly engaged in also leads to great anger. Control is everything. My own self-worth is determined, through these eyes, by my ability to be on top of any situation. Losing a game initiated by another may lead to disappointment, but initiating a game that I cannot win leads to immense anger – even if I did not believe that such a game was unwinnable.
Everything becomes heightened during these stages. Colors are more vibrant, noises are more grating and louder, and my irritability reaches the instability of a shooting war. Everything is intolerable and nothing is forgivable. Only time can make the anger subside. However, I don’t know how much time there is when your state is that of DEFCON 1.