In the previous post, I used my family as an example of people that I can show my face to. They require no mask because they accept me as I am due to their own guilt over disowning me when I came out as transgender. My father is a cruel man and my mother is a religious zealot. They’ve damaged me greatly in life, but I evaluate them solely in the present. If they can provide benefit, I will take them up on it. As of the past few months, they have been pleasant and have given me the respect I desire. However, such “goodwill” on my end does not hide the fact that I would take great joy if they were to meet some grotesque end. Not by my hand of course, but by the course Chance takes all around us.
It seems that enjoying the company of those that wronged me in the past yet still wishing them ill would be a dichotomy. I guess it is. However, I never forget what has been done to me. Whether it was my father’s savage beatings or the friends that ditched me when I came out as transgender, those transgressions remain fresh in my mind. The smile on my face is not just from the good conversation or the boredom that such people relieve, it is from the thought, the wish, that they meet great misfortune for what they’ve done to me. To reiterate, their transgressions in the past do not affect my interactions with them in the present, should they give me benefit in the present. However, I do not forget the past and their suffering would please me.
These others would be foolish to believe that I have forgiven them. The thought process is much more sinister. If they are pleasing me in the present out of their own guilt, I will use their services until they are dry and will maintain the relationship with seeming good intent. The warmness from me is for what they can provide me, not because I’ve forgotten their sins against me. Sometimes matters are personal, and when they are, there is only unholy retribution to be had. I realize that I should not be the vehicle for such retribution, valuing my reputation and freedom. However, I can smile the most endearing smile, not because I am happy to be in their company (aside from whatever benefit is present), but because I am imagining the 1000 ways they could suffer.