I’ve written that psychopathy is the ultimate in gamesmanship. There are rules and encounters and there are winners and losers. I’ve written that that our bloodlust must be contained in order to remain free and undetected. I don’t want to candy coat things, however. There is, at least for me, a high in winning these games. It is exhilarating to know that I can take on nearly anyone and come out the victor. Striking from the shadows and leaving with the spoils is addicting. I know that maturation requires pro-social behavior, even if I will never have a pro-social mindset. However, I also know that the perfect balance between perception and action leads to the highest gain. Action is much more satisfying, however. What good is there in being the best player in the game if it is not proven? In this sense, I’m like a junkie without a needle searching for his next fix – knowing that I should not act, but seeking the satisfaction of victory.
In the time since my diagnosis, I’ve learned how to better evaluate my motives and my actions. I no longer pretend that I am a benevolent force that occasionally stumbles. What I often see is that my self-centeredness and parasitic greed dominates. Every action is calculated. My tools (read: people) are carefully selected for maximum effect. Just as a professional athlete studies tape in order to both scout future events and learn from past ones, I am constantly scheming and reflecting in order to reach higher and more rewarding goals. As with those athletes, failure comes at a price. It is not lost on me that every time I act in an antisocial fashion, I risk having my mask removed for all to see. Depending on the stakes and my actions, I could lose it all. There needs to be a way to balance my desires and my actions.
The desire to exert dominance is great. I find that I will often manipulate and dominate solely for the satisfaction it brings. It is almost as if I have to be coerced into acting pro-socially with overwhelming reward as a carrot. Maybe this is a result of my struggles with delaying gratification; I do not know. Maybe my masks are simply too uncomfortable to wear. Whatever the reason, I am compelled to do what I do best. I am compelled to be a creature of deception and domination.
Playing the game well and winning is extremely satisfying. When I am left to the realm of planning and not acting, I am distressed. I want that next fix. I want to be able to act on my parasitic and antisocial urges. I realize that every time I scheme and act that the roulette wheel may stop in the green. I realize that the perception others have of me is dependent on how well my mask fits, and the mask fits better when I’m not actively fucking with the strings holding it up. Every time the junkie shoots up, they risk their lives for a temporary high. Every time I act antisocially, I am risking being exposed.
Those of you on the ASPD spectrum that are reading: if you have such compulsions, how do you deal with them?