Memento

I find that a splendid way to remember core components of the self as well as past exploits is to keep tangible keepsakes of them.  This could be as simple as archiving information on the subject or as complicated as taking physical items related to the conquest, such as personal belongings of the target.  I choose to memorialize myself and my past through ink.  Anyone that sees my skin knows that I have a story; what they do not know is what that story is – although I would posit that the more intelligent could surely figure it out.  Leaving clues as to what lies behind the mask is not in the best interest of the psychopath, but there is no greater representation of one’s life story than those that can kept for a lifetime.

I found that I began to wear my memories and conquests well before I had ever heard the term ‘psychopath’ and, thus, well before I was diagnosed in a clinical setting.  Whether it was memorializing the borderline aspects of myself that I knew at the time or having reminders of the fine line between victory and punishment painted on me, I sought to keep the bigger picture close at hand.  As weak as my sense of self is, I wanted goalposts that I could never forget to be within my field of vision.  Tattoos of non-comfority and parasitism as well reminders of failures in the past cover my body.  They are mementos of stages of my life and reminders to always be leaner and more efficient in my future dealings.

Anyone that sees my skin knows that I have a story; what they do not know is what that story is. However, I know that story.  It has been three decades of feast and famine, and of trying to figure out who I am.  Now that I know, more than any time up until now, who I am and what I am, the ink is even more symbolic.  I always knew there was something different about me.  Now I can look back at those earlier tattoos and recall my state of mind at the time.  The story, like the images themselves, are grotesque to others.  However, I cannot help but smile when I see them.  I am different than most, more efficient and more ruthless than most, and I will have a better life as a result.  Should I ever forget that, I can just look in the mirror.

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