It is difficult to hide my indifference toward those around me. For some, I’m willing to wear that mask that will make them feel loved and cherished. However, I only will don that disguise should they require it. There are many in life that accept others with few conditions. There is no point in wearing an uncomfortable mask with those. It would be a waste of energy. These people know that there is something fundamentally different between us, but they will not cast me out. They are perfect for feeding on.
My relationship with my family is tumultuous at best. When I first came out as transgender, I was disowned and we did not speak for several years. Little did I know that such separation would be infinitely to my advantage. Others let the heart warm due to separation; I write them off as dead and useless to me. These people, my family, became deeply upset at the lack of communication between us and ended up accepting me back into their lives. However, they did more than that. Fearing another separation, they overcompensated. They vowed to accept me as I was, warts and all. This meant that I could drop the mask and be my true self around them. It meant that I could give nothing and receive a lot. And, nothing made me happier than such an opportunity.
Because of their overcompensation, they fell into the group of people I described in the opening paragraph. I could take their food, their companionship, and their money. I could be a complete parasite, giving nothing in return. No warmth. No love. They had not earned my respect, so I felt no reason not to engage in manipulative and parasitic tactics. Such required the least energy and gave the biggest reward.
They know that I am not one to show affection. They know that I must be coerced into helping the family unit, usually via some tangible reward in exchange for my services. During that time of separation, I felt no longing for them. Their longing for me led them to this current state. I can be cold as ice and, although they do not know why, they show no sign of deeming such unacceptable. They are puppets and sources of benefit. They are blind and dumb, letting me in for full effect. Why on earth would I wear my mask when they have seemingly unconditional acceptance for me?
Do not misunderstand me. For those that I respect, they will receive my services and companionship with little strings attached. For those that I do not, they will be used and bled dry. Whether I wear my mask of compassion depends on whether they demand it. Why would I want to be struck pale by wearing a mask at all times and receiving no sun? My mask of compassion is an uncomfortable one, I’d much rather wear no mask at all.