There are some days where I have great trouble keeping my mask on. My self-centered and anti-social urges are so strong and the people around me are terribly annoying. When your worldview is to put yourself first at all times and to exert no effort without calculated benefit, how can you automatically adhere to the social standards society has put in place? I just can’t do it. I can shift from persona to persona very easily, but all of them have reward in mind. A neutral persona that is focused on the satisfaction and well-being of others is much harder to hold. If I can barely be bothered to hold a door open for someone, which wastes my time, how can I place a filter between my brain and mouth to hide my true intentions in general?
Certain factors certainly hurt my ability to censor myself and to keep my mask on. I am misanthropic in general, so the people around me have a direct impact on my ability. In addition, irritability is definitely present much of the time. Irritability certainly makes me more prone to flying off the handle. It takes extraordinary effort to rein in my thoughts and verbalizations when the person of me is not deserving of the air I breathe. It is difficult to appear stoic and caring when emotional basketcases surround me.
I realize that the disaster of taking my mask off can be extreme, depending on who is around me. I realize, that in general, wearing a mask is far better than the alternative. However, like with the human condition in general, we have wants and desires and dreams. Keeping the psychopathic desires to myself and presenting a picture of normalcy is important. The sheep do not need to know that a wolf is around and I do not want my reputation to take a sinister turn by showing my true colors.
I do slip on occasion. I do show my misanthropic and narcissistic side as well as my sinister and unempathic side. I am more likely to do this with those that I know that are unable to damage me. I will always fear, that this will happen with the wrong person and it will burn me though. Depending on the day, depending on my mood, the veneer may fall. My life is a battle of opposing calculations. One is focused on the long-term gain of appearing normal. The other is focused on immediate, and ruthless, gain. Placing more weight on the former will forever be exhausting. To rest is to drop the mask. To drop the mask is to risk excommunication from society.