Baaaaaaaaaaaargh. Baaaarrg. Baaagh. Baaa. Baaa. There, I’ve got it down. The most difficult part of being a psychopath in a non-psychopath’s world is approximating normality to the point where no one can tell that I am different than them. It’s not just difference but the frightening, to others, difference that makes such so important. Maybe the wolf is full and has no need to feast, but nonetheless there is a wolf among the sheep. And like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, I must learn how to mimic everything sheep do. The emotional responses, the words chosen, and the bonds created with others are just the tip of the iceberg. Baaaargh. Baaaagh. Baa. Baa. Baa.
I have to be careful about all my interactions with others. The odds of them coming to the conclusion of “psychopath” are slim. The odds of them coming to the conclusion that I am different and/or “disturbed” are not so slim. Everything from the jokes I tell to how I control my anger shed clues on my internal workings. My favorite jokes and stories may be morbid or of past conquests, but such catch most people off guard. The person emotionally recounting a story of her life’s dream crashing to a halt cannot see my indifference and my balled fists as I imagine any action possible to silence her illogical exasperation. Everything I say and do must be under the microscope because I am fundamentally different in so many ways, even if they are not always apparent.
Like a wolf among sheep, I try to stay disguised so that I can more easily fulfills my wants and needs. However, unlike the wolf, I also mask myself so that I can simply be left alone. The world does not care for psychopaths. How many friendships and other interpersonal relationships would I lose against my will if I was found out to be a psychopath? Should I commit crime, what sentence would I receive if such was known? There are so many considerations and so many reasons to wear such uncomfortable wool.
To this end, I am constantly watching others. I am watching their emotional responses. I am listening to their choice of words. I examine how they interact with others. I do not envy the non-psychopath; I am quite happy with who I am. However, the knowledge of the majority that they possess is invaluable. If I listen long enough, the snarls will become softer and one day I can also ‘baa’.
I want to remain in the shadows. I want to remain free. I want my prey to be unsuspecting. The means that satisfy all three desires require that I approximate the non-psychopath in everyday life. I will study them and I will mimic them. I will keep myself in check. Gradually the snarls do become softer even if the wool I must wear is still unpleasant. Baa. Baa. Baa.