Costume

I know how common it is for the transgendered or the psychopath to present an image contrary to their true status in one way or another.  For the transgendered, that means presenting an image that gives no hint of their true biological sex.  For the psychopath that means putting on the mask of the neurotypical in order to hide their different mindset and actions.  I think there can be another reason such disguises are worn.  Possibly the knowledge that one is different causes them to overcompensate hoping that the inevitable realization never comes.  Hardly anyone wants to be a member of any shunned group in society.  Maybe if the costume of normality fits well enough, one thinks that they will be normal.  Such only delays the inevitable and is a mockery of the uniqueness of the individual.

I recall a time before my transition from a gender that was congruent to my biological sex and the gender that I wished to present at all times.  The rumblings of some form of dysphoria had taken root for quite a while.  Hell, I remember being young and still religious and praying to my god hoping that they would either grant my wish of transition or eradicate the thoughts from my mind.  In my early 20’s when I was in college, I realized that there was a greater impetus to “shit or get off the pot”.  Those relationships would flourish or die once I had taken concrete steps in my transgendered journey, but were ‘false’ until then.  I tried my damnedest to avoid the question and accept sex/gender congruence.

I became hypergendered.  Without disclosing my gender, let’s just say that I tried to exude more stereotypical gendered behavior for my biological sex than any person should ever feel comfortable doing.  I was a caricature of myself and a parody.  Every action and every thought I tried to put in a light of congruence.  I would do this even if it was physically or mentally uncomfortable.  I did this hoping to throw people off any trail of my internal struggle and also hoping that if I “faked” it enough, the dysphoria would die.

The same could be said about my psychopathic traits.  I’ve always known that I was different.  I would imagine the most heart-wrenching scenarios, hoping to feel empathy for the imagined actors.  I never did.  I would try to to be honest and hard-working.  I would try to be sincere and engaged with those around me.  I would claw at the walls, out of frustration, wondering if I could ever be like others.  Ultimately, the diagnosis helped bring all of this to an end.  I was not being true to myself nor honoring myself by pretending to be something I was not.  I am different and always will be.  I have no shame about such.

We can try to put on our disguises and hope that we become that disguise, but it will never happen.  Whether it is being true to our gender, our sexuality, or our psychopathy, it behooves us to be true to ourselves. I believe that there is a much more honoring way to wear those disguises.  Wearing our masks in order to fit in and better gain the things we want in life is one thing.  Wearing the same in order to avoid the truth is another.  We can cut out our eyes, sew our mouths shut, and deafen ourselves, but reality will always exist.  We are who we are and we should not run away from such.

Rebuilding
Holy

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