The greatest curse of being a psychopath is the eternal boredom that comes with the condition. We tend to have an insatiable need for stimulation. There are certainly matters that make the days more pleasant and tolerable, but, by and large, the boredom reigns. No matter what I do, what I don’t do, who I meet, who I ruin, where I go, the feelings of being unsatisfied do not cease.
Sometimes I wonder why I should do anything at all during the day if nothing is satisfying. If I am constantly evaluating costs and benefits, does a lack of satisfaction justify any expenditure of energy? Ultimately the answer must be yes. Maybe there is no grand narrative that encompasses long-lasting pleasure, but individual events may lead to some stimulation. My life is as if you were picking up a crossword for five minutes at a time. The stimulation is there, you grow frustrated or bored, and then you move on, maybe to come back to it later. I think this is why I tend to reset my life every year or so. I find new employment, new housing, new cities, anything to make my sense of curiosity swell and my boredom decrease.
So many have told me that I simply need to find purpose or take up new hobbies. The former, I believe, is harder for the psychopath than the non-psychopath and I will write on such in more detail at a later time. The latter merely kills time. Writing and corresponding with many of you is quite interesting. Interesting, however, does not mean a lack of need for further stimulation.
I am far from content because each day is like watching an hourglass drip slowly. I can see the individual grains of wasted opportunity falling into the basin. I can feel that I’m not accomplishing in the way that others may. It is not for a lack of achievement, but rather the emotional contentment that comes with such achievement. So I’ve got another metaphorical plaque on my wall, so what? It doesn’t make the desire for further reward any less.
So I keep on keeping on, looking for stimulation where I can get it, but knowing that I’ll never be satisfied. The greatest danger for the psychopath I believe is when things turn idle. It may not be a logical conclusion to waste energy on actions that cannot yield that stimulation we crave, but the alternative may be worse. Idle hands are…