Blasé

It is hard to get worked up over being transgender or psychopathic at this point.  I’ve lived as the former for many years now and the latter for as long as I can remember.  When things become so mundane, how can I appreciate them?  How can I be cognizant of the difference between myself and the cisgender or myself and the non-psychopath?

I may have chosen to transition for reasons that elude most (one day I will fully elaborate).  However, nearly six years in, I no longer feel anything regarding the condition.  I never stop to fully consider the gender I have chosen and I rarely reflect on the previous life I lived.  I don’t dress nor act in accordance, consciously, with that gender.  I simply live my life as if nothing happened and accept that I am different in some way.  If you met me, you would never know that I am transgender.  I prefer to keep it that way.  Since you wouldn’t know, I find that I barely have to ever put on, or take off, a mask in this regard.  The condition and I are inseparable, even if I am no longer focused on active deception of others.  I won’t let you know, you won’t find out, and that is that.  It has become so mundane.

My psychopathy is even more tired.  As with my transgender state, I hardly ever consciously “remember” that I am a psychopath.  When you’ve exhibited certain characteristics for so long, they become so blasé.  Even as I try to mature, the times I “slip” barely register.  So what if I ruined another person?  So what if I performed yet another impulsive and reckless act?  When the novel of your life is already pushing several volumes, a few more paragraphs mean little.

Essentially, I often find it difficult to see what makes me so different than most.  My actions are so multitudinous that they begin to blur.  Because I am a psychopath, and I know how I function, I assume everyone else does the same.  When you assume everyone else is ruthless and driven by self-centeredness, how can you imagine yourself different than most?  How can I envision being in the > 99th percentile of human beings when it comes to psychopathy if I no longer have any feeling toward the actions and mindset that define me?

When you live in an infinite loop of deception, it quickly becomes meaningless.  You no longer are able to see what makes you unique, or otherwise different, than those that are not like you.  I may have a gender incongruent to my sex, but except for the extremely rare occasion that someone brings it up, I quickly forget that such is a characteristic of me.  Because I act anti-socially so often, and I assume that others could do the same under the right conditions, I quickly lose sight of the fact that my psychopathy makes me different than most.  Maybe at one time I was more cognizant of those distinctions, but I am not any more.  I have become blind from the sights of the same images over and over again.

Experiment
Bloodlust

Leave a Reply