Vortex

If I want, I want it now.  If I need, I need it now.  If you are available, then you will serve me now.

It amazes me how many in my life believe that I am truly able to care for them.  I don’t mean in an empathic sense, but rather along the lines of true interest in others.  If we are conversing, then it is because it provides entertainment for me.  If we are hanging out, it is because it relieves the extraordinary and perpetual boredom that I feel.  I have an intense need for stimulation and I will seek whatever means to alleviate that.  Combined with my self-centeredness and my inability to truly care about those around me, it leads to an insatiable vortex that pulls in everyone around me.

I do not mean to imply that no one has any meaning to me.  I just am unable to elicit an emotional response to the bonds I form with others.  There are many wonderful people in my life that I truly respect and am glad to have around me, but there is no emotional attachment that allows me to truly be concerned about matters in their lives.  I don’t believe this is a direct function of my narcissism, as I think that many narcissists can truly care about others even if they are elevated above those they care about.  I don’t think my psychopathy completely explains it either.  I do believe that many psychopaths can love even if the emotions are different, or deadened, relative to others.  However, my self-centeredness and my psychopathy does help explain my interactions with others.

If I contact a person for communication or camaraderie, it is ultimately to fill boredom that I have in place.  I wonder if others have ever picked up on the fact that I do not follow the customs of scheduling or of inquiring during reasonable hours for such conversation or activity.  We psychopaths are cursed with a perpetual need for stimulation and that stimulation does not have a set schedule.  If I shoot you a smile or pain myself to feign empathy with what someone is telling me, it is to help maintain (or to plant seeds for) the relationship.  I realize that I must walk a tightrope between my narcissistic desires and the needs of those around me.

Now, just because I am interacting, in general, with someone in a very self-serving fashion, that need not imply that the other person is getting nothing out of it.  Maybe they are bored, maybe they have a question that I can answer.  They just, if lucky, do not realize that I am not emotionally invested.  However, even if they did realize the disconnect I have between my relationship with myself and my relationship with others, I think they can still benefit.  It is like learning to love someone on the autism spectrum.  There can be meaning, but there will be areas that can never be fulfilled.

This self-centeredness is present in every aspect of my life.  From my interactions with others to my immediate inquiry of matters that could affect me, there is not one moment that I am not consumed with how matters affect me and how I can benefit.  The prime example may lie with my interactions with others, but suffice to say that what I want, I will get, even if it leaves another dejected or a resource depleted.  I know that I am a vortex and that I pull all into my arena of narcissism.

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Cocoon

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