My eyes are open but I cannot see. I know how to manipulate people based off of their emotional movements and words but I have absolutely no idea what is causing them to feel what they feel. I realize that a frown indicates sadness or consternation I realize that a smile indicates expectation of something good or happiness in general. But I do not understand what is driving these emotions specifically for them except beyond a textbook definition. I just can’t see.
I think this is a problem for many psychopaths. We are simply not good with emotion that we, ourselves, are not feeling. What we do feel tends to be somewhat underdeveloped and egocentric, so there are a plethora of emotions that we simply do not understand except beyond how to recognize them and how to use them. A simple but trite example would be analyzing someone who is lamenting the passing of a family member, consoling them and offering them reassurance as a means to build a relationship that can be exploited later. The reason the person is upset is because they lost a family member, but the reaction seems so foreign. Why would anyone be upset over that? It simply does not compute. However, I do realize what reaction is expected of me and I understand how to use that for potential future use.
This blindness is frustrating at times. On the one hand, it is nice to not be caught up in the inane drama that fuels others’ emotional affect. However, there is also the realization and reaffirmation that some part of humanity is missing. Some psychopaths believe that this is advantageous, and I concur, as it means we are more able to pursue our own wants and needs without being paralyzed by the emotional state of others, however I think that there is something I feel longingly regarding this absence. Like being born blind, I know that this is simply a component of existence that I will never hold, but also as with the born blind, I know there is something I am missing. I just may be at relative peace having never had that insight.
I don’t know what I am missing. I don’t know why others feel what they feel. I do know how to respond to their joys and their sadness in a way that could benefit me, but I cannot feel what they are feeling and I cannot understand why they are feeling such. I often wonder what my life would be like if I weren’t blind on that front. I wonder if I could form more meaningful connections with others. I wonder if I would be paralyzed with the negative emotions reciprocated in me or elevated with elation with such reciprocation of positive emotion. I don’t know and I never will. I’m blind from birth, knowing that others can see, but knowing no other way of life.